Sometimes people tell you to stop beating around the bush and just say, clearly and directly, what it is that you need:

I need a hero.

He’s got to be:

a) strong
b) fast
c) fresh from the fight

also, he has to be:

d) sure
e) soon
f) larger than life

But I’m only going to hold out until the morning light and/or the rest of the night.

Whichever comes first.

Do do DO DOOO!

Also, he needs to be capable of living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.

I have to work 12-8 and that’s pretty much the shittiest shift I can work. I hate it. It lasts FOREVER.

They remade REC. I heard something about that they might do that, but apparently it’s done because I’ve been seeing commercials for it. They’re calling it Quarantine, which is a terrible title. It stars Dexter’s sister.

Also, completely unrelated:

Silvio

I grabbed this clip just because I wanted to talk about how stupid that Sarah Connor Chronicles show is and use this as an example of why I dislike The Terminator sequels in general.

But then I just ended up watching the interview between Shirley Manson and Craig Ferguson. She seems like such a sweet, awesome chick.

Palin Claimed Dinosaurs And People Coexisted

The LA Times reports:

Soon after Sarah Palin was elected mayor of the foothill town of Wasilla, Alaska, she startled a local music teacher by insisting in casual conversation that men and dinosaurs coexisted on an Earth created 6,000 years ago — about 65 million years after scientists say most dinosaurs became extinct — the teacher said.

After conducting a college band and watching Palin deliver a commencement address to a small group of home-schooled students in June 1997, Wasilla resident Philip Munger said, he asked the young mayor about her religious beliefs.

Palin told him that “dinosaurs and humans walked the Earth at the same time,” Munger said. When he asked her about prehistoric fossils and tracks dating back millions of years, Palin said “she had seen pictures of human footprints inside the tracks,” recalled Munger, who teaches music at the University of Alaska in Anchorage and has regularly criticized Palin in recent years on his liberal political blog, called Progressive Alaska.

The idea of a “young Earth” — that God created the Earth about 6,000 years ago, and dinosaurs and humans coexisted early on — is a popular strain of creationism.

Though in her race for governor she called for faith-based “intelligent design” to be taught along with evolution in Alaska’s schools, Gov. Palin has not sought to require it, state educators say.

In a widely-circulated interview, Matt Damon said of Palin, “I need to know if she really think that dinosaurs were here 4000 years ago. I want to know that, I really do. Because she’s gonna have the nuclear codes.”

This is the first picture I’ve seen where he totally looks like him.

I think it’s because he’s covering up his chin and jaw. Josh Brolin has his dad’s badass manly jaw line, where as GWB has HIS dad’s mealy little Alfred E. Newman mouth and jaw.

Well, this is pretty damned neat news. The upcoming Thor movie just got a whole lot more interesting. Let’s just hope he’s not planning on PLAYING Thor.

Branagh in talks to direct ‘Thor’

Brit set to wield hammer on Marvel Studios pic

By MICHAEL FLEMING

Kenneth Branagh is negotiating to direct “Thor,” the next Marvel Comics property that will be turned into a live-action film by Marvel Studios. Pic will be released in 2010.

Marvel Studios chief Kevin Feige’s choice of Branagh is surprising, as Branagh hasn’t really directed an action-heavy film since his debut on “Henry V,” a bloody telling of the British king’s conquest of France. 

Branagh is the latest in a string of directors — such as Jon Favreau (“Iron Man”), Christopher Nolan (the Batman franchise) and Gavin Hood (“X-Men Origins: Wolverine”) — with arthouse roots taking on big-budget comicbook fare.

Marvel will set a distributor for “Thor” shortly.

“Thor” comicbook adaptation, penned by Mark Protosevich, follows disabled medical student Donald Blake, who has an alter ego as the hammer-wielding Norse god Thor.

Marvel will self-finance the film via its $500 million credit facility through Merrill Lynch. Marvel used that coin to fund both “Iron Man” and “The Incredible Hulk” and will do the same for the “Iron Man” sequel that has director Favreau and star Robert Downey Jr. returning. 

The “Thor” negotiations come during a resurgence for Branagh. He’s currently drawing raves on the London stage in the title role of “Ivanov,” and he’ll next be seen acting in the Richard Curtis-directed “The Boat That Rocked” and the Bryan Singer-helmed “Valkyrie.”

Branagh is repped by Endeavor and manager Judy Hofflund.

Via mrfurious

Seriously, I think I could watch this movie every single day. I put it on to make sure I was getting a quote right and found myself watching it again, unable to turn it off. I just watched it a few days ago. It is, quite simply, a perfect movie.

http://www.movietrailertalk.com/2008/09/adam-sandler-bedtime-stories/

I’ve never heard of this movie, and for the most part, I’m not particularly interested.

But…

I might have to see it simply because there’s a reference to The Warriors right in the trailer, and that makes me happy in my happy hole.

Oh, and there’s also this:

It’s about time they got working on that.

http://www.movietrailertalk.com/2008/09/oliver-stone-w/

All I can say is that Dick Dreyfuss as Dick Cheney is just about the best example of a Dick playing a Dick I could ever imagine. I’m so fucking excited, if only for THAT. Richard Dreyfuss fucking RULES and I’m so excited that he’s finally got a kick ass role.

That being said, the movie also looks depressingly entertaining as hell. Kind of like a Mad Magazine article. Parody, but depressing because it’s also mostly true.

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/38482

They showed the TRON 2 trailer (and everyone went nuts), the same that was shown at Comic Con and Dick said it was for sure a go.

And in the end as Dick Cook was wrapping up, the USC Marching Band comes out and starts playing the Lone Ranger theme and a graphic for the film comes on screen.

Suddenly the curtain raises and a White horse w/ a Lone Ranger character is galloping on stage during the music. When it’s over, Dick says he hasn’t cast a Lone Ranger yet, but he had an idea for a Tonto.

Just then Johnny Depp comes from off stage dressed to the nines as Jack Sparrow with a Lone Ranger mask on a stick over his eyes, banters w/ Dick Cook and makes Dick wear the mask and hold the gun he was carrying.

And then Dick Cook says, “Well what do you think? Johnny Depp as Tonto???”

The crowd goes mad-wild and he says “OK, done.”

Then goes onto ask if he thinks we should have Johnny back for another Pirates film? T he crowd goes mad, Dick Cook says “OK, done. “The theatre erupts. Johnny mumbles some things in character and then darts off. Maybe was on stage a total of a minute and barely said anything. It was such a fun day!

Fuckin’  go Dave. Every time I thought he’d gone as far as he was going to go in the issue, he goes further. I’m surprised and impressed. I wish he’d grow the beard back. I was digging the old grizzled mountain man look he was sporting for a while.

via: flyswatter

Also this:

Watch CBS Videos Online

Sweet jesus… this chick has no fucking clue. She has no idea what she’s talking about. I think Katie Couric was about five seconds from grabbing her by the hair, dragging her outside and crucifying her… like, literally.

We are in extremely scary fucking times. America is on the verge of falling. Like, Roman Empire style falling.

THIS. Fucking HARD.

Sarah Palin needs support from Jesus to help her fight witches.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/max-blumenthal/the-witch-hunter-anoints_b_128805.html

Generally I don’t hold politicians accountable for what their church says (because churches, more often than not, say some stupid shit) and I was somewhat indifferent to the guy’s ranting until they dragged Sarah up on stage so they could pray for strength to help her fight witchcraft and get Jesus back into the government, financial institutions, schools and the media.

JIM MORRISON QUOTED ALICE COOPER IN ‘ROADHOUSE BLUES’

Jim Morrison used a line from a conversation with Alice Cooper in the classic Doors track ‘Roadhouse Blues’.
“We were sitting there drinking and Jim comes in and he flops down,” says Cooper on his breakfast show on Planet Rock radio.
“I said that I had got up this morning and got myself a beer and while we’re talking he just writes that down. So they go in and they’re doing the song and the next thing I hear is ‘Woke up this morning and I got myself a beer’ and I went ‘I just said that a second ago!’”
“He was very spontaneous in the way things were written,” he adds.
The revealing story forms part of a Doors special which is due to air July 27 at 6pm (UK time) and repeated on August 1 6pm on www.planetrock.com.
Cooper and The Doors were both based in Los Angeles at the height of their fame in the late ‘60s and he witnessed some of Morrison’s legendary bad behaviour.
“The thing about Jim was it was sometimes dangerous being around him because there was no such thing as a dare. He would jump out of cars and roll down hills,” says Cooper.
“At a big party for The Doors at the 6000 building on Sunset he’s got a bottle of whiskey in each hand, on top of the building balancing like a high wire act. One gust of wind and he is over. I’m sitting there going ‘How come no one is pulling him off the ledge? It’s Jim Morrison!’ and they’re like ‘If he falls, he falls.’
“It was very odd to me that there wasn’t a little more of reigns pulled in especially as he was the biggest rock star in the world at that point.”

And I don’t really consider Alaska to really be a part of America. That’s just a hunk of Canada that America bought. Anyone who happens to live there are just displaced Canadians. So fuck Alaska.

I got my absentee ballot yesterday. It’s got the two main presidential nominees on it, as well as a few other guys who I should give the big thumbs up to for at least trying, even though it’s kind of silly. Fucking Ralph Nader. Then it’s got a bunch of local guys to El Dorado County (which is the last place I officially lived in California, so I get to vote for that district) including my mother’s husband Eric for like, fire chief or something.

It’s also got all of the California propositions, like the one on whether or not there should be a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage (absolutely! Damned gays always threatening the institution of marriage with their gayness! How am I going to be able to stay married if I know Jack and Jack next door are not only booty busting each other every night, but now LEGALLY OBLIGATED to booty bust each other every night!?! WHAT IF I HEAR THEM?! OR CATCH THEIR HIVS FROM MY LAWN TOUCHING THEIR LAWN?!) as well as some other shits, like whether or not pot should be decriminalized.

But yeah, the big one is clearly the Obiden/McPalin vote.

Ya know, for a while, I’ve been impressed by McCain’s status as a “war hero”. Maybe it’s the patriotic American in me, or having grown up in the military, but my instant reaction is “well, I don’t agree with his politics, but I can’t deny that he’s a hero”. Then Sandra was like “Why?” and I was like “what do you mean ‘why’?” and she was like “What makes him a hero?” and I said “Because he was in a POW camp for five years.” and she said “And that makes him a hero?” and I said “Well… yeah.” and she said “Because he got shot down? Because, in my book, that makes him kind of a war loser. He got fucking shot down. Big fuckin’ hero. He can’t do his job right” and I was like “Whoa there missy…” and she was like “Seriously. He got shot down and gave up everything he knew within a couple of days. Doesn’t sound like a hero to me.” and then I started thinking about it. Like, really thinking about what makes someone a war hero.

John McCain wrecked four military jets before his crash in Vietnam. Fucking oops. One of the crashes started a fire and explosions that killed 134 sailors and destroyed 20 aircraft. He partied his way though the academy, only there because his father and grandfather were 4-Star Navy Admirals and graduated fifth from the bottom in his class. He then went on his famed 23 combat missions, which sounds impressive, but really, it equals 20 hours of actual combat. 20 hours. Less that a full day. It took him less than a day to get shot down and captured and give up information. When the Viet-cong found out that that his father and grandfather were 4-Star Admirals they immediately fixed up his wounds and took care of him because he was valuable. They boasted that they had captured a “prince”.

Yes, they tortured him. That must have been terrible. Yes he gave up military information, but I don’t hold that against him really. I’d give up pretty much anything if I was being tortured. It would take about 45 second of torture for me to tell anyone anything. I’m not debating whether or not being a POW in the Vietnam war sucked. I’m sure it did. Some people would argue that he received preferential treatment because of his family and that others were tortured far worse than he was, but whatever. Torture is torture.

My problem is calling him a war hero because of it. Especially since that seems to be one of his main qualifications for being the most powerful man on earth. I don’t get that. It would to me me that having been tortured for five years would make someone LESS qualified to be president. I mean, if I was hiring a baby sitter for my kids and asked “So, what are you qualifications?” and they said “Well, I was tortured for five years” I would be like “Uh… thanks. We’ll call you” and then, you know, NOT call them. Because I can’t imagine that being good for a person’s mental health. It’s not like once you’re done being tortured everything is hunkydorey. That shit is going to cause severe, permanent mental damage. I don’t want someone who possible (probably) has intense psychological issues as president. I don’t mean to be heartless, but having been tortured for five years is a good reason NOT to put someone in a position of authority. Especially not if the authority is over like, say, the entire fucking world.

I’ve been hearing so much about the war hero maverick taking on Washington DC and it’s scaring the fucking bajesus out of me. Especially considering that it was only four year ago that the delegates for the Republican party were mocking John Kerry for touting his service in the Vietnam war, saying that it was irrelevant to the position he was running for.

I just want to say one more thing that’s bothering me about this whole election…

I just watched a 20 minute video of Barak Obama from  yesterday, specifically laying out exactly what he plans to do as president to clean up Washington. It wasn’t just “I’m going to make sure you get lots of money and a puppy and free ice cream forever if you elect me!”. It was an elaborate, detailed plan explaining exactly what he plans to do and how he plans on doing it.

via flyswatter

Whether or not he can actually accomplish these things, I don’t know. But I like knowing that he at least has a plan, and a plan that sounds pretty decent. I’ve seen a lot of this. Obama and Biden have been very up front and open about what it is they plan on doing and how they plan on doing it. What it’s going to cost and where they’re going to get the money from.

I’ve yet to hear anything like that from McCain/Palin. All I hear them talking about is Obama and her fucking “thanks but no thanks” to the Bridge to Nowhere (which she supported until they pulled the idea when she said “ikr, jk nthx”).

I laughed when they dragged Sarah Palin’s stupid ass up on the stage as McCain’s VP. I thought “there’s NO WAY anyone is going to fall for this”.

But here we are. Apparently they actually CAN just pull any old vagina up on stage and to talk about being a hockey mom and breaking the glass ceiling, whether she’s qualified or not, and women (some women anyway. Certainly not all, but enough) will become active in politics and actually plan on voting.

The idea of Sarah Palin going to talk to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (yes I had to look up how to spell it) to discuss their nuclear program terrifies the fuck out of me. Not because she’s a woman, but because she’s a silly twat. I mean, I wouldn’t have a problem with Hillary going to talk to him. I’d actually get behind that shit. Hillary would kick his ass. Sarah Palin would point her finger and go “YOU’RE A BAD MAN!! WE’RE GOING TO BOMB YOUR SHIT!!” and then he’d say “I don’t like gays or jews” and then she’s go “OH GROSS ME NEITHER!! LET’S BE BFFs!!” and then we’d really be in shit.

Anyway, I gotta go get ready for work. I know I don’t speak as eloquently or as knowledgeably (nor can I spell either of those words, according to my spell checker) as some of the people writing online. I’ve got a threshold for the amount of political information I can take in before I want to just fucking shoot myself in the face.  But these are a couple of the conclusions I’ve come to, so I thought I’d share them.

I was just reminded of one of the things I want to add to the list of things I’m going to excessively spend my money on when I’m rich.

FURNATURE THAT LOOKS LIKE PEOPLE.

Much like the tables and things in the Korova Milk Bar in A Clockwork Orange.

In fact, now that I think about it, I’m going to build a home theater (literally a theater, not just a room with a big TV and nice stereo) that will exactly replicate the Korova Milk Bar. That shit would be tight.

Sandra might not like it, but whatever. She can go boo hoo hoo and shake her kroovy rookers against unfair Bog in his heaven while laying on her bed of money.

Besides, as Wolverine might say, I’m the best at what I do, and what I do is objectify women! Literally!

I prefer to think of it as a celebration of women. At least that’s what I prefer to say. But yeah, awesome.

So when I close at work, and I work till midnight, I usually end up taking my lunch (late dinner really) break somewhere between 9:30 and 10:30. I usually end up getting some kind of fast food and sitting in my car for a half hour listening to the radio.

Now, I never, ever used to listen to the radio. But the little tape adapter thing for my ipod broke and I’ve been sans music for a month or so. So I found a station that plays tolerable music (classic rock) and I discovered that at night, Alice Cooper has a radio show called Nights with Alice Cooper.

Lord knows I love Alice Cooper. There are very few singer/song writers that I respect more than Alice Cooper. The man is a fucking legend, no question. I wish someone would tell him though, because I don’t think he fully comprehends just how important and impressive he is. He’s not nearly as self aware as someone like, say, Gene Simmons or Mick Jagger. The reason I bring this up is because Nights With Alice Cooper may as well be called The Alice Cooper Name Dropping Show.

Maybe it’s the separation of the Alice Cooper stage persona and Vince, the real guy, but he talks like he’s a regular guy who was dragged into this crazy world of rock and roll celebrity and happened to get the amazing opportunity to meet all of these legendary rock guys. It’s like he thinks we’re going to be like “OMG REALLY YOU USED TO BE FRIENDS WITH JIM MORRISON?!” when I already knew that Alice Cooper used to open for The Doors. As much as I love hearing about other rock stars, I tune into Nights with Alice Cooper to hear about Alice Cooper. You’re an interesting enough guy yourself Alice!

Anyway, my point is that he plays pretty killer music. It’s all the kind of stuff you’d expect Alice Cooper to listen to. Jimi Hendrix and The Doors and The Moody Blues and The Cars and Talking Heads and The Doobs and a bunch of other awesome 60s and 70s music.

The other night I was sitting in my car, munching on a tasty p’zone and Alice plays the song Don’t Stand So Close To Me by The Police. Keep in mind, I’ve heard this song five brazillion times since it came out. But that night was the first time I realized that A) I didn’t actually know any of the words outside of “sometimes it’s not so easy to be the teacher’s pet” and the chorus, and B) that the song actually tells a story.

The story is some kind of Lolita thing about a teacher being seduced by one of his students. 

But anyway, until that point, I’d apparently just made up whatever lyrics happened to pop into my head when I sang this song. For instance, if I were to sing the song right now, it would sound like this:

My peepee
Your titties
You should not touch a clown
If you do
You just might
Fall in a lake and drown

The tv
Plays my shows
While I sit in my under-roos
I smoke weed
And I watch
Motherfuckin’ Scooby-Doo

My butt crack
Is hairy
Like the mythic Sa-assquatch
If you make
Fun of it
I’ll punch you in the crotch

DON’T STAND
DON’T STAND SO
DON’T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME

DON’T STAND
DON’T STAND SO
DON’T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME

My muscles
Are so big
They make the ladies wet
Sometimes it’s
Not easy
To be the teacher’s pet

A dragon
Ate my dog
I punched him in the face
He breathed some
Fi-ii-ire
Yes I just won the race!

DON’T STAND
DON’T STAND SO
DON’T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME

DON’T STAND
DON’T STAND SO
DON’T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME

….

I didn’t say they were GOOD lyrics.