After however many years it’s been since it first came out on video and I thought to myself “Maybe I should watch that movie” I finally got around to watching that movie. It only took twenty something years of hemming and hawing. I was fascinated by the cover of the video when I was a kid, but there was always something slightly more intriguing or gruesome looking to watch. Also, of the three big slasher names, Michael Myers was the one I found least interesting. Later I found out that Michael Myers isn’t even in that movie, but by then I’d pretty much lost interest. So I never really got around to it. Until today.

Here’s the run down:

The movie opens in classic John Carpenter style. Bad 80s computer graphics and an even worse original score by Carpenter, apparently composed on his Casio keyboard. Like all of his other scores. We then find a crazy man running from some stoic guys in business suits. He narrowly gets away.

Then we cut to our hero, who is a guy with a mustache that is apparently some kind of doctor. We meet him as he’s arriving at his bitch ass girlfriend’s house. For reasons completely alien to me, he duckwalks into the room with his jacket pulled up over his head. My first thought was that maybe he was trying to keep covered from the rain, but considering that he’s completely dry, I’m left confused.

So anyway, he gives the bitch ass girlfriend’s ungrateful dickhead kids a couple of cheap ass Halloween masks. The kids are disappointed though, because they wanted Silver Shamrock Halloween masks, not shitty ones from the dollar store.

Bitch ass girlfriend bitches (as bitch ass girlfriends are prone to do) the entire time until he’s called back to the hospital for an emergency. Bitch ass girlfriend bitches about this.

The emergency is that the crazy man from earlier has stumbled into the hospital, babbling about “THEY’RE GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!!”. He is then murdered by one of the very stoic men in business suits. Stoic business suit man then goes in the parking lot and lights himself on fire. Mustache doctor guy finds this a little strange.

Later (we know it’s later because of a series of Shining-esque title cards telling us what day it is) we meet the crazy man’s daughter. Crazy man’s sexy daughter has traveled all the way up from Los Angeles (oh, and this movie takes place in  “northern California” which is  only slightly vague) to identify the body of her father. She is sad. Mustache doctor guy is puzzled.

Cut to a few days later and we establish that mustache doctor guy has something of a drinking problem. He’s sitting around in a bar (a bar that apparently plays cartoons all day) when the crazy guy’s sexy daughter comes into the bar (because the nurses said that she could find him there… hmmm. What kind of fucking doctor is this guy? Is this Jack’s dad from Lost?) to do some investigating into her father’s death.

Then, very abruptly, mustached doctor guy decides to help crazy guy’s sexy daughter get to the bottom of the mystery surrounding her father’s murder. Through some very quick, crack investigation, they figure out that her father went to some weird Irish town in the middle of Northern California. Because, you know, Northern California has quite a few Irish towns scattered around. In the town is the Silver Shamrock factory.

OH.

Did I mention the commercial? The company that makes the kickass Halloween masks that the kids wanted more than the shitty dollar store masks was called Silver Shamrock. And they have a commercial. Here, enjoy their commercial.

They play that commercial about, oh, I don’t know… eighty five times or so. It’s so not annoying at all.

Anyway…

So doctor mustache calls up his bitch ass girlfriend to explain that he has to go out of town for “boring doctor stuff” but he can’t tell her where he’s going or what hotel he’s going to be at. PHEW! Off the hook! Oh, and apparently he had to buy a six pack for the road as well. This guy has a serious problem.

They get to the weird Irish town and start their investigation. Mustache doctor guy comes up with the not at all shady idea that they should pose as a husband and wife who are in town to buy Halloween masks for their store. Oh, and that they should also get a cheap motel room together. And that they should probably get shitfaced drunk.

At the motel, we meet the most annoying characters in the movie. I don’t remember their names, but I’m pretty sure it was The Asshole Family. It consists of Mr. Asshole, his lovely wife Mrs. Asshole and their kid, Asshole Jr.

They’re in town because Mr. Asshole is the #1 salesman of Silver Shamrock Halloween Masks, and he’s there to pick up an order(?). Apparently Silver Shamrock doesn’t actually ship any of their products out. They require store owners from around the world to travel to somewhere in “Northern California” to pick up their orders. Anyway.

We also meet this angry saleslady, who is also in town to pick up her order of masks, and she’s none to happy about it. In fact, she’s acting like a raging twat. But really, I probably would too if I had to drive all the way out to weird Irish town in “northern California” to pick up my shipments.

They figure out (again, though their crack detective work. The old “look at the hotel registration book” gag) that the girl’s crazy dad ALSO stayed at that motel. The daughter is understandably excited to get to work finding out why her father was murdered. But Dr. Mustache tells her to slow her roll, because it’s been almost an hour since he got shitfaced, and he needs a drink. So they decide to put off looking for clues about her father and stay in for the night, drinking and fucking.

Oh yeah, apparently Dr. Mustache is also a cheating man whore.

After some good fucking, Dr. Mustache decides he needs another drink, so he heads out to pick up a bottle.

Oh, and there are cameras all over town and a loud speaker that announces that the curfew is six pm, so everyone better get the fuck back inside or… something… will happen. This is never explained.

So Dr. Mustache gets his bottle and then runs into a disgusting wino who was hiding around the corner in an ally, waiting to ambush him and ask him for a drink of his delicious booze.

After letting the disgusting wino drink directly from the bottle (HELLO THERE, HEP C!) Dr. Mustache then quizzes him about the strange town. He finds out pretty much nothing other than that the town is run by the owner of Silver Shamrock, some Eurotrash millionaire guy. The wino then tells Dr. Mustache that he wants to burn the factory down with a “case and a half of Molotov cocktails”. I wasn’t aware that they sold Molotov cocktails by the case, but hey, you learn something new every day.

Back at the motel, crazy dude’s sexy daughter meets up with the pissed off mask buying woman from earlier, who makes a point to show her (us) that the plastic Silver Shamrock from the back of the masks tend to fall off.

You know I love me some good old fashioned unjustified exposition. Please, just tell me what’s happening. Don’t bother making it relevant to the story. I hate working for shit. I HAVE A FEELING THAT MAY BE IMPORTANT INFORMATION LATER. WINK WINK.

Before long, it’s imperative that the crazy dude’s sexy daughter have a shower. I has to be done at some point, because that’s the way things go in 80s movies. Back then, a movie wasn’t complete until there was a “hot girl in the shower” scene. I miss those days.

After some more fucking (two times even) between Dr. Mustache and the grieving daughter (who is clearly very bereaved, as well as sexy) we cut to the angry business lady next door (who we find out has a store in San Francisco, which explains her obnoxious New York accent). Angry business lady is getting all snuggled up for bed in her weird bedazzled kimono thing when she realizes that the little plastic logo do-hicky that fell off of the mask has a mysterious computer component embedded in the back of it. She’s all like “wtf is this shit?” so she pulls a bobby-pin out of her hair and starts fucking with it. That’s when a crazy blue laser shoots out of the thing and busts her face open and makes her eyes go all fucked up.

Okay, I’ll admit, that was kind of friggin cool. Even if a goddamned bug crawled out of her mouth afterwards, which makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever.

The sound of the angry business lady’s face getting busted open interrupts doctor mustache and the crazy guy’s sexy daughter. They were busy fucking. Again. They quickly get dressed and run outside to find out what happened. That’s when a bunch of vans from Silver Shamrock show up and they take the now very dead angry business lady away.

The next day Dr. Mustache and the crazy dude’s sexy daughter decide to go to the factory to investigate. While they’re at the factory, they run into the Asshole family who have been invited to take the tour by the Eurotrash Millionaire. It’s all very boring and bla bla bla until the crazy dude’s sexy daughter notices her father’s car half covered in the factory. She runs up to investigate, but is stopped by stoic dudes in business suits.

They return to the motel and decide to GTFO. They’ve had enough of this silliness. Dr. Mustache has to go make a phone call (this was before motels had phones in the rooms apparently) and runs to the front desk, deliberately leaving the door open for some reason. Like, he makes a point to leave it open. I don’t get it.

While he’s gone, of course the stoic business suit guys come and abduct the crazy dude’s sexy daughter. I’m not sure WHY they abduct her. Everyone else they’ve run into they’ve killed mercilessly. The crazy dude and the wino at least. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, the stoic business suit guys killed the wino. They pulled his head off. It was stupid.

We then get about 45 minutes of Dr. Mustache running around in the town, diving behind bushes and trash cans, trying not to be seen by the patrolling Silver Shamrock cars.

Eventually, he gets back to the factory.

He’s very quickly caught and carted off to the Eurotrash Millionaire, who is in some kind of control room getting ready to reveal his evil master plan. He shows Dr. Mustache a TV monitor where he can watch as the Asshole family (who have apparently been on this factory tour for ten hours or so) are being escorted to this pretend living room where they’re going to get some test screenings of the awesome Silver Shamrock commercial. Remember the commercial? Oh yes.

The commercial instructs Asshole Jr. to put on his mask, which he obediently does, because kids always do whatever the TV tells them to. We’re then subjected to this seizure inducing flashing pumpkin image.

The commercial triggers the little plastic logo thing on the back of the mask, which then makes Asshole Jr.’s head turn into a bunch of bugs and poisonous snakes.

Wait, what?

Yes. That’s what happens.

It’s fucking ridiculous.

And Dr. Mustache finds it very upsetting indeed.

As you can tell, he’s clearly not coping well with watching the murder of a small child.

Now that we know what happens to kids who are wearing the masks when that see that awesome commercial, we get a montage of kids buying and wearing their Silver Shamrock masks all over the country. We also find out that the commercial is instructing all kids with Silver Shamrock masks to stop trick-or-treating and go home at a specific time and watch TV because there is going to be a BIG GIVE AWAY. You know, on the TV. It’s pretty vague, but as we’ve established, kids are clearly mindless automatons who do whatever the TV tells them to.

In classic bad horror movie form, the hero is strapped to a chair and forced to listen as the big bad guy (in this case, Mr. Eurotrash Millionaire) explains his master plan.

The unfortunate thing is that even after he explains his master plan, it still doesn’t make any fucking sense.

What Mr. Eurotrash Millionaire explains is that he knows the REAL meaning behind Halloween, which is that witches used to sacrifice animals and children at Stone Henge on the pagan high holiday Samhain and the rivers ran red with their blood. He then said something about the planets aligning and how the time has come again to sacrifice children to his evil pagan god. Oh, and he also STOLE one of the big Stone Henge rocks and, apparently, had it shipped to “Northern California”. The rocks are full of powerful energy, you see, that when focused with vague computer parts, can make blue lasers that can bust your face open and turn your head into bugs and snakes. So they’ve been putting little tiny fragments of the Stone Henge rock into the logos on the masks, and watching the the flashing pumpkin graphic triggers the energy and turns your head into snakes and bugs.

That’s his master plan. To use fragments of Stone Henge, embedded in Halloween masks, to turn the children of America’s heads into bugs and snakes.

I still don’t really understand what he’s accomplishing with this plan. I guess he’s counting the whole masks turning kids heads into bugs and snakes thing as mass sacrifice, but I never really understood what that sacrifice accomplished. Also, he talked like he was there, three thousand years ago, when the last mass sacrifice happened. So I guess Mr. Eurotrash Millionaire is three thousand years old as well? I dunno.

OH! I forgot to tell you something.

Remember those stoic guys in business suits? Androids. Yep. They’re fucking robots. Robots filled with orange yogurt.

Also, you can apparently disable them by punching them in the stomach. Good to know.

So yeah, remember that they’re androids, because that shit is important later.

Anyway, so Dr. Mustache is strapped into a chair in a holding cell in front of a TV. Dr. Eurotrash has left him there with a mask on, apparently alone for the next hour and a half or so until the commercial is supposed to air and kill anyone wearing a mask. Because, you see, before the stoic business suit/android guys just crushed the skull of anyone who happens to get in their way, but for Dr. Mustache and his new girlfriend, they get strapped to chairs and left alone for hours on end.

Oh yeah, the crazy dude’s sexy daughter is strapped to a table in another cell.

So, left alone, Dr. Mustache kicks the glass of the TV in (I think someone behind the camera has a beef with television and consumerism, but doesn’t quite have the George Romero/Dawn of the Dead skills to properly execute a social commentary/satire via horror movie) and uses a shard of glass to cut himself free of the straps. He then (of course) escapes by crawling through the massive ventilation duct in the room.

We then get another half hour of Dr. Mustache evading Silver Shamrock employees (androids) by diving and ducking and slinking through shadows Sam Fisher style. He frees crazy dude’s sexy daughter and then figures out his big escape plan. What he does is sneak back into the control room (using the old “hide behind a rolling cart of Halloween masks” gag. I’m surprised they didn’t have them carrying a friggin bush).

The androids are very busy and distracted by their work of looking at clip boards and moving around sliders and dials on control boxes to notice them. They’re able to sneak in. He turns the commercial on (because he knows exactly which buttons do that) and it plays on a bunch of TVs in the room. He then climbs up to some kind of catwalk scaffolding thing and drops a box of those logo disk things with the computer component and piece of Stone Henge over top of the androids. The commercial triggers the blue lasers in the chips, killing everyone in the room (but conveniently missing both of our two heroes, as well as eurotrash millionaire guy). Then the Stone Henge rock in the middle of the room turns blue and shoots a laser at the eurotrash millionaire guy, which makes him turn blue and then makes him disappear.

So that was the end of the three thousand year old pagan eurotrash halloween mask making dude, as well as his army of orange yogurt filled androids.

OH, and then the factory blew up. Luckily, it waited for Dr. Mustache and the crazy dude’s daughter to escape and get in front of a blue screen where they could be superimposed over the explosion.

PHEW! The end, right?

WRONG, FUCKER! Not even CLOSE.

Dr. Mustache and the crazy dude’s daughter are driving home. Crazy dude’s daughter is being suspiciously quiet and uncommunicative. She then abruptly grabs Dr. Mustache’s face and makes him crash into a tree.

When Dr. Mustache gets out of the car, he finds her arm still holding onto the door handle. AND IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING ROBOT ARM! DUN DUNT DAA!!!!!

So then the one armed android crazy dude’s sexy daughter starts attacking Dr. Mustache. Her only means of attacking is choking and grabbing his face though, which makes her not a very affective killer android. Luckily for Dr. Mustache, the trunk of the car popped open in the crash and he was able to grab a tire iron and knock her head off with it. If this movie had any kind of balls, it would have knocked her shirt off too and we could have gotten another look at those sexy tattays! But oh well.

That should have been the end of it, but we go through about fifteen more jump scares of various parts of her body grabbing onto him. FINALLY he’s able to take off running and escapes.

So I’m not entirely sure if we’re supposed believe that the crazy dude’s daughter was an android the entire time, or if she was somehow replaced by an android at some point. Maybe it was some kind of Blade Runner/She-doesn’t-know-she’s-a-robot-kind of thing? I don’t really care either way to tell you the truth. I’m done trying to make sense of this fucking movie.

Eventually Dr. Mustache ends up at a gas station, where he starts calling the TV to tell it not to play the commercial. I couldn’t really get a sense of who exactly he was calling, but whoever it was apparently had the power to change the programming of paid advertisers, and was also willing to do so just because a crazy doctor with a mustache calls in screaming about how they have to take the commercial off but he can’t tell them why but it’s because WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

So they take the commercial off of one channel. Then these kids, who are also in the gas station and watching the TV, change the channel and the commercial is on THAT channel too. So Dr. Mustache says “It’s on the other channel! TAKE IT OFF THE OTHER CHANNEL!! WHY?! BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!” so they take the commercial off of the second channel as well. Then the kids change the channel again, and the commercial is on THAT channel too. So Dr. Mustache starts screaming about “YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE COMMERCIAL OFF OF THE THIRD CHANNEL OR WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! BECAUSE I SAID SO!!”

But then, apparently the guy on the other end of the phone (who has the power to change the programming of not only one television station, but apparently at least three) finally grows a pair and puts his foot down. He was willing to be bullied by an anonymous dick on the phone to take down two commercials, but not three. No way. That’s going to far. Nobody bullies that guy into taking down THREE commercials. Not today, motherfucker.

And that’s how the movie ends. Apparently the three thousand year old pagan eurotrash mask maker’s plan still went off without a hitch. And, apparently, millions of kids all over America got to experience their heads turning into bugs and snakes. The sad thing is that nobody on the east coast bothered to warn the people in the other time zones not to watch the commercial. I mean, shouldn’t the people on the west coast have figured out by then that something fishy was going on, given that it was three or four hours later or whatever?

Anyway. That was Halloween III: Season of the Witch.

Final thoughts?

That movie was fucking retarded. I wish I hadn’t watched it.

Fan made Thundercats trailer.

HOUSE Girl Olivia Wilde To Star In TR2N!!

I am – Hercules!!

Months after showing everybody its teaser trailer, “TR2N” is starting to cast human actors.

Olivia Wilde, who played Marissa Cooper’s lesbian love on “The OC” before turning up on “House” as Candidate 13 last season, is all aboard.

She’s pretty!

According to The Hollywood Reporter:

Wilde will play a worker in the virtual world who tries to help fight Master Control Program, the villainous intelligence protocol that was the nemesis in the original film.

Wilde was two years from being born when the original “TRON” hit cinemas in 1982.

Also cast is Wilde’s “Turistas” co-star Beau Garrett (“Made of Honor,” “Rise of the Silver Surfer”), who will play “a siren in the virtual world.”

Jeff Bridges reprises the role of Kevin Flynn in the sci-fi sequel, due out in 2011.

Find all of The Hollywood Reporter’s story on the matter here.

Dude… Thirteen on House is the fucking HOTNESS.

She is like, supernaturally hot. She’s the kind of hot that transcends normal hot and becomes some kind of incomprehensible hot. A have a theory about her character though.

Remember a couple of seasons back when we had the original team and Cameron thought that she was dying of some kind of disease and so she went on like, a crank binge and turned into a big slut and had sex with Chase? Then she found out she wasn’t dying and went back to being normal Cameron?

I think they LIKED her like that, but didn’t want to lose regular old Cameron as a character. So they came up with Thirteen, who is like a super intensified version of “I think I’m gonna die so I’m gonna be a slutty druggy” Cameron. She’s hotter, she’s sluttier, she’s more of a druggy.

I approve either way. And I am QUITE down with TR2N. Which really should have been called Tr0nz.

So JJ Abrams has been doing various weird viral things for his new, still untitled, giant monster movie. People have been calling it Cloverfield, but nobody is sure if that’s what it’s actually called yet.

Either way, in a lot of Abrams’ stuff, he’s got this fictional beverage called Slusho.

There’s a website

http://www.slusho.jp/

It’s a Japanese drink, and a Japanese website. Well, a parody of one anyway. There’s a contest going where you have to make a commercial for the drink. I wish to god I could enter it, but you have to live in the US.

http://www.slusho.jp/contest/sample/medium.html

Watch that. It’s fucking crazy.

I don’t know how this is going to relate to Cloverfield, but apparently it does some how.

Also, there’s this, via sonicanimus:

John Mayer is the luckiest bastard on earth. Not only is he funny, good looking, an amazing guitar player and dates hot chicks, but now he’s got some crazy official Joker merchandise. Lucky fucker.

Speaking of John Mayer, he covered Free Fallin at this year’s Bridge School Benefit.