In case you’re curious (and I know it’s been bothering you all day) as to WHY Saint Patrick can suck my dick, here it is, from st-patricks-day.com

Saint Patrick is most known for driving the snakes from Ireland. It is true there are no snakes in Ireland, but there probably never have been – the island was separated from the rest of the continent at the end of the Ice Age. As in many old pagan religions, serpent symbols were common and often worshipped. Driving the snakes from Ireland was probably symbolic of putting an end to that pagan practice. While not the first to bring christianity to Ireland, it is Patrick who is said to have encountered the Druids at Tara and abolished their pagan rites.

Yeah. Fuck Saint Patrick.

So in my research for this script (I don’t know why I feel the need to spend hours researching a five second shot that is completely out of context from the rest of the story, and I rarely actually USE any of the information I find) I found myself looking up Roman orgies and bathhouses. I assumed that my knowledge of the subject (limited essentially to my having seen Caligula) was insufficient to intelligently describe the scene… but apparently it’s pretty straight forward. Lots of people having sex all over the place. Bathhouses? Lots of people having sex in shallow swimming pools and hot tubs.

Works for me!

Though it seems that they weren’t quite as open about it as the Caligula movie seemed to suggest. I picture Rome 30AD as just the Houses of the Holy album cover except with hundreds of oiled up people in togas getting freaky with each other all over the place. Kind of like the secret doing-it club that Tom Cruise goes to in Eyes Wide Shut.

I also found a page called “How to host your own Roman Orgy!”

Awesome! I wish I was cool enough to host a Roman Orgy. I would totally order pizza too. It would be the sweetest orgy EVER! I would hire a band and everything.

I would have to work on keeping the ratio of men to women leaning towards the women side. I wouldn’t want to have a gay Roman orgy. Not that I have anything against gay Roman orgies, but because, well, I’d like to decrease the odds of someone sneaking up behind me and giving me a surprise Rear Admiral. That might totally ruin my Roman Orgy experience. Plus, if I have more men than women, and some of the women don’t show up, and we end up with fifteen guys and two chicks… well… that’s not really fair. Ideally, it should be one guy and fifteen chicks. And I should be the guy. And there would be pizza. And a band. An all girl band. A naked all girl band. And one of them would play a flute.

and it would look like this:

Oh, and this guy isn’t invited.

Oh, who am I kidding? Malcolm McDowell is invited to ANY party I throw! He’s just not allowed to fist rape anyone.

And one thing the movie seems to have gotten right… Caligula was a huge dickhead.

Possible captions for this photo include the following:

#1. “Can you hear me now?”
#2. Nobody talks when Caligula has the conch!
#3. “I can talk to God on this shell! What’s that God? You want me to stop raping people? Oh, you kidder!”

And to answer your questions about that picture of me photoshopped into the all girl sex-a-thon… yes my hair looks like that right now, and yes this is the result of about three minutes of photoshop. I have things to do, damnit! I can’t spent my entire night photoshopping myself into porn!