A brilliant comic from blindkingdom for the graphic novel Side A.

I’ve been on a lot of anti-depressants for a good portion of my life, and I can attest to the truth in this. Both in that dark cloud that boils in the back of my mind reminding me what a complete fuck up and failure I am, as well as to the amazing emotionally restorative powers of Supertramp.

Currently Listening: Supertramp – Dreamer

Fuck medication and self help books. All you need to cure depression is the following video

R.E.M. on Sesame Street performing Furry Happy Monsters.

and as an added bonus:

Richard Pryor on Sesame Street.

So my girl Storm went home. That’s alright. I wish she could have made to the top three. I wish she could have at least made it farther that than fucking under developed fetus looking mother fucker Lukas with his eyes two far apart. You who that mother fucker looks like? He looks like fucking Gollum from the Lord of the Rings movies. Fuck Lukas and fuck his ugly, no talent having piece of shit face. I hate him and I wish he was dead. That cocky bastard sings his own half assed rip off sounds like everything on the radio right now original song AGAIN last night? Nobody wants to hear your retarded “original“ song.

God I fucking hate him.

Yes, I have Storm injustice induced rage.

But she’s better off not winning. I’ve said that before.

BTW, her rendition of Wish You Were Here should have bought her at least another week. That was fucking beautiful. Much better than that Nazi Marty Casey’s lame version last season.

What’s up with that show? Did they only buy the rights to two Pink Floyd songs or what? I’ve heard Wish You Were Here like fifty times over the two seasons of Rock Star. That and Fortune’s version of Money which was… alright. I wanna hear a Pink Floyd song I haven’t heard fifty million times. Do fucking Pigs from Animals or do One of my Turns. That’d rock EVERYONE’S socks. Don’t get me wrong, Wish You Were Here is a great song and all… but it’s a LITTLE over played.

So now I’m gunning for Toby to take the whole thing home.

Dilana needs to do Sonic Reducer to completely redeem herself. She won’t, but she should. I’ve always thought that sound would sound good with a chick singing.

Back to how much I hate Lukas…

One of the many things I hate about Lukas is the fact that he’s Canadian. It’s not that I hate Canadians… it’s just a strike against him that I can exploit when I talk about how much I hate about him. It also means that because I LIVE in Canada I have to hear about this fucktard like he’s fucking John Lennon or something anytime anyone is talking about Rock Star.

FUCK!

Okay, so, as anyone reading my journal for any length of time knows… I have issues with Canada. It’s not just the horrible TV or the fact that Canadians don’t seem to have any concept of the general rules of driving, official or unspoken. It’s not just the fact that I can’t get all of my trashy American fast food or get a goddamned Stouffers French Bread Pizza or real Spaghetti-Os or regular old fashioned pizza pepperoni in the supermarket for that matter. It’s not only the fact that you can’t get a fucking M&M Blizzard at Dairy Queen. The problem is that it’s not home. I’ve been living here for like, eight years or something. That’s a long long fucking time. I’ve been living here for almost a third of my life… but it still doesn’t feel like home. I feel like I don’t have a home and I resent the fuck out of it.

If I were to get hit by a truck this afternoon and I went to the hospital and was only a couple hours away from dead and they asked me where I wanted to be buried… I wouldn’t know what to tell them. It sure as shit wouldn’t be here, but then… where? Sacramento? Fuck that. Fuck Sacramento. I don’t be buried there. Some asshole would probably vandalize my grave. And not in a badass Jim Morrison sort of way. Someone would break my headstone and then spray paint “I eat cock” on it. Southern California? Fuck that place too. Maybe if I lived there, but I don’t. I don’t wanna be shipped down to California just so I can be buried in my homeland where no one would come and visit me and like, put shit on my grave and shit. That’s kind of weak. I don’t wanna be buried up in the mountains where my mom lives, because fuck that place too. I love my family and all, but I don’t wanna be buried fucking Grizzly Flats or Placerville or something when I only lived there for like, three months. Fuck that too.

I mean, ideally I wouldn’t be buried at all. Cemeteries are a stupid ass waste of space. I mean, I get it… I get the whole grieving process for the people who love me and all that, but really… do I need to take up real estate till the end of time? I don’t think so. If I’m gonna do that, I’d rather have like, a building erected to house my body somewhere that’s NOT a cemetery. But I don’t want that. I wanna be cryogenically frozen. Hell yeah. Cause I don’t want to fucking die. I talk a lot of shit about suicide and all of that, but that’s got a lot more to do with ending pain than wanting to die. Ideally, if I could die, I’d want to die and then wake up with everything fucking better. I don’t really want to DIE like… FOREVER. I just want to not have to deal with all of this mental bullshit I’m dealing with, on top of the regular bullshit that everyone deals with. Fucking freeze my ass and wake me up in thirty years when you’ve found a cure for “getting hit by a truck” and then everything will be hunky dory.

But I’m not going to be cryogenically frozen. I’ve accepted that. It’s expensive and like, I don’t think anyone really knows how to go about getting that done. I’d probably end up in someone’s deep freezer somewhere and that’s just not dignified. Joe all balled up and hard and frosty in a freezer. I’d be naked too, which would be embarrassing. Especially since it’s cold a freezer. Anyone who happened to look in at me would be like “Jesus, Joe didn’t have much in the way of cock.” And I’d be dead so I wouldn’t be able to say “IT’S CAUSE IT’S COLD HERE! FUCKER!”

So yeah, I don’t want to be buried here in Canada, but I have no idea where I do want to lay to rest, so I guess I’d leave that up to Sandra, and she’d probably fucking bury me here and I’d spend eternity in heaven bitching constantly about how even in death I’m trapped in fucking Canada.

And yes, I’d be in heaven. I don’t believe in heaven, but I do believe that if heaven DOES exist, I’m fucking going. If there is a heaven, they’ve be up there going “Dude, we HELLA need to get Joe up here. This place fucking SUCKS without Joe.” And I’d come rambling up the stairway and be like “WAZZUP~!!~???” and they’d be like “JOE!!” and I’d be like “BRING ON THE KALUHA AND BITCHES, BEEYOTCH!” and they’d be like “welcome home” and I’d be like “so what’s up with this place?” and they’d be like “up here you can fucking do whatever you want and nobody gives a shit. If you wanna dick around on the internet and fucking watch movies and eat popcorn and read magazine and fucking play PS2 all day, you CAN.” And I’d be like “But I can do that at home.” And they’d say “but can you do that and not get shit from people about it?” and I’d be like “no” and they’d be like “We WANT you to do that up here” and I’d be like “This IS heaven!” and then they’d say “If you wanna go have sex with someone, it’s TOTALLY cool! And they’re into it! And everyone’s into it! And no one’s going to give you shit about it!” and I’ll be like “What about my wife?” and they’ll be like “She’s not here!” and I’ll be like “But I’ll miss her” and they’ll say “Joe, she’ll be here eventually, and guess what!?” and I’ll be like “what?” and they’ll say “She can play Playstation and fuck whoever she wants whenever she wants too!” and I’ll be like “but she won’t want that.” And they’ll say “Then she can like, fucking scrapbook and watch Gilmore Girls or something” and I’ll be like “Righteous. She’ll like that.” And they’ll be like “Look, here comes Jim Morrison and Marilyn Monroe. They’re gonna show you how to party fucking HEAVEN style, for real.” And I’ll be like “Sign my ass UP for this shit.”

Was I talking about something at some point?

Oh yeah, Canada.

So because I don’t feel like this place is home, I resent the shit out of it. I resent it and I hate it. It’s a fucking beautiful country and the people are fucking friendly and they’ve got FREE HEALTH CARE and really, it’s fantastic fucking place to live. But I resent it. I resent because I can’t leave. I can’t just up and leave.

And you’re saying “Why DON’T you just leave if you hate it so much?”

Well here’s why. It cost a fucking LOT of money to get up here. A lot. Sandra and I “dated” for six years or so, long distance. I worked in a fucking movie theater. Sandra was in school. We couldn’t exactly afford to do what we did. But it was love and all that shit so we did it, and I’m glad we did. But we racked up a SHITLOAD of debt getting me up here. Flights and phone bills and immigration all of that bullshit added up REAL quick. I couldn’t work for two years once I got up here. THAT cost a lot of fucking money.

And for some reason my finger just started bleeding for no reason whatsoever. BRB.

Alright, band aid-age applied. This shit hurts like a bastard. I hate mystery blood.

Anyway…

I’d love to just up and move back to the States. I’d love to be able to go down there and say “hey, I’ve got a kick ass job and I can support my wife and live comfortably” but I can’t. I owe a lot of big companies a lot of fucking money.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re getting by. We’re trying to pay shit down and we’re able to do our thing fairly comfortably up here. But we’re certainly not in a position to try and start fresh anywhere. And unless something substantial changes, it’s gonna be a while before we can.

When I came up here I was all like “Yeah, I’ll probably stay here for like, a year and then we’ll move down to the land of the free and the home of the brave.”

SHYEAH! RIGHT!

So that’s why I resent Canada. It’s nothing that Canada has actually DONE to me. It’s got nothing to do with Sandra either. It’s just the position I’m in. I nitpick about little shit like bad driving and bad TV and the lack of access to all of my favorite garbage that I love in the states, but really, I just resent the fuck out of the fact that I’m trapped here. I’m trapped here and I’m paying for it. I spent a fuck load of money building a cell and locking myself in it, and now that I’m here I fucking hate it.

But…

BUT…

Canada isn’t openly and proudly violating my basic rights. They aren’t listening to my phone calls. They aren’t admitting that they’ve got secret CIA torture prisons.

I just heard about this shit. Bush came out and said “Oh yeah, we’ve totally got secret CIA torture prisons.” WHAT THE FUCK?! Ya know, Guantanamo Bay is bad enough. That’s the prison that they publicly had where they are holding (and torturing) people without charging them with anything. I’d hate to think about what’s going on in the “secret” CIA prisons.

What the fuck is wrong with America? Okay, so we’re not the most popular country in the world. Okay, so went to war under false pretenses and killed a whole shit load of people (our own included) for reasons they can’t even explain, much less prove. Okay, so our government is spying on us. Our country is fifty years behind the rest of the civilized world in regards to “family values.” Okay, so we’re fucking religious extremists masquerading as a democracy. Okay, so we’re the most powerful country on earth, and we got there by killing our way to the top. Okay, so we’re SO proud of our civil liberties but we can’t even take care of our own people. Okay, so we spend BILLIONS of dollars destroying another country and killing thousands people when we can’t even take care of our own people.

BUT…

At least we don’t torture people.

OH WAIT!

YES WE FUCKING DO!

Jesus Christ!

Do you remember when they cut that reporter’s head off? And like, people lost their fucking minds. Understandably, mind you. It was a fucked, terribly that happened. That one chick… the soldier chick… who was captured and raped and tortured. What was her name? Lynch. Jessica Lynch. That shit happened and it was like “OMG these people are fucking ANIMALS! They’re backwards evil torturing sons of bitchs!”

Um…

Yeah, we fucking do that. We torture and humiliate and rape “Suspected terrorists.”

Guess what. You bring a goddamn bottle of Gatorade onto a plane and YOU’RE a suspected terrorist. That title is MEANINGLESS. Anyone can be a “suspected terrorist.”

And they’re the fucking monsters and we’re the heroes?!

Dude, something is fucking WRONG here.

Okay, so I’m not going off on the war. We could be here for days talking about that shit and I just don’t have the energy or motivation for it. What I’m talking about is fucking hypocrisy. We act like we’re the moral center of the world and we do a lot of the same fucked up shit that we’re fighting against to other people. We blow up hospitals and civilians and kids. We torture and rape people. We enlist soldiers on suicide missions. That whole fucking war is a suicide mission. We tell people to go and kill and be killed for the glory of our moral high ground. They call it Jihad. We call it Freedom and it’s the same fucking thing.

Jesus…

Okay, so yeah, Canada. I resent having to live here. It’s got a lot more to do with my hang-ups than any real problems with the country itself. They take care of their people here. They give everyone health care. They let treat adults like adults and let them marry who they want. They don’t really care if you wanna sit in your house and smoke pot all day, just so long as you’re not fucking with anyone else while you do it. They don’t go around the world killing people when they don’t have to. They’re over all pretty fucking laid back. Most problems I have with Canada are superficial petty bullshit like driving and entertainment and convenience. When it comes down to serious shit, Canada not that bad. They’ve got retarded politicians up here and a picture in the queen in the airport, which is kind of gay, but whatever. I can get past that.

I still fucking hate Lukas Rossi.

And Nickelback.

And Avril.

And please… do not get me wrong. I love America. I fucking LOVE America. I love living there. If I had my choice, I’d spend the rest of my life in a big house in the hills outside of Los Angeles.

PS:
I found a video of a chick singing Sonic Reducer.

I don’t know why, but I’ve been really sensitive lately. Like, weirdly so.

You may not know this about me, but I can be kind of sarcastic and cynical sometimes. I know, I know, you’re all really surprised, but it’s true.

But lately I’ve been getting all choked up about the smallest shit.

The other night I was watching a TV special about Primordial Dwarfism.

You know me and midgets, I love em! I think they’re hilarious and rarely do they make me sad. But I’m watching this show and it’s about this little three year old girl with Primordial Dwarfism, and they were showing her going to get tested for embolisms or something, and they showed her mom watching and she looked so worried and I swear, I started to tear up. I was all like “omg, I hope she’s okay…”

I was watching Keifer Sutherland on Inside the Actors Studio the other day and they were showing a clip from 24. Now, I’ve never watched 24. I know very little about it. Apparently in this clip, Keifer Sutherland is under the impression he’s about to die. He’s flying a plane or something. So he’s talking to his daughter on the phone and saying goodbye to her.

I thought I was going to like, burst out sobbing. I had to physically restrain myself from crying. It’s starting to kind of freak me out. I think there’s something wrong with me. I don’t even know anything about these characters. I hadn’t seen any of the build up. I didn’t even know what the fuck was going on, but I still got all choked up.

I was driving today and I started thinking about Carl and when I had to put him down. I almost had to pull over. I’m all driving and crying.

Fuck, I’m about to start crying here, thinking about it again.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m not a crying kind of guy. I cry like, when something really heavy happens. I cried when Carl died. I cried a couple of times when Sandra and I spent our time apart last year. Before that? I can’t even remember. It’s just something that I don’t do anymore. And when I DO cry as an adult, it’s usually like, I fight it really hard until I’m just a chaotic weird blubbery mess for a little while and then I’m okay.

But lately it’s been hitting me out of no where. Just all of a sudden I’ll think of something or see something or whatever and I start getting all weepy.
It’s getting fucking old to tell you the truth.