Sandra got me a shitton of DVDs this Christmas. Part of the reason is that we went down to the states a few weeks back to do some Christmas shopping. I went into a Big Lots and they had a whole pile of decent DVDs for like, 2.99 or something. So I bought a bunch for myself. Then Sandra was like “No way mister, we’re Christmas shopping” and she took em all and gave them to me as Christmas presents. Then we were in Target and they had a bunch of DVDs on sale for like, 3 for 12 bucks or something. So I picked out a bunch that I wanted and then Sandra made me go away while she bought them. There are two in there that weren’t bought like that. One was Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance. The other was The Pee-Wee Herman Show. But all the rest were crazy cheap and facilitated an abundance of Christmas DVD presents.

Rather than list them all, here’s a photo of the stack.

Happy Yule! I hope Santa Satan brought you lots of good presents, you godless heathens!

I kid! I kid! You know I love ya.

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me – A partridge in a pear tree.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me – Two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me – Three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me… um… FIVE GOLDEN RINGS. Two turtle doves three french hens and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the five day of Christmas my true love gave to me… oh yeah, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS. Two turtle doves, three french hens and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me… um… FIVE GOLDEN RINGS two turtle doves three french hens two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me – Seven maids a milking. What? Six french hens two turtle doves FIVE GOLDEN RINGS three french hens two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me – something that was jumping, three french hens FIVE GOLDEN RINGS two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me – FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!!!! Two turtle doves three french hens two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the… twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me – Eight maids a milking, something that was jumping, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS two french hens three turtle doves…

AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR… TREEEEEE!

You know what I want for Christmas?

FIVE GOLDEN NAKED LADIES!

I hope I can get em wrapped in the hour and a half I have before I have to leave.

Two of my favorite things! Christmas and horror movies!

INT. JOE AND SANDRA’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

JOE sits at the computer. SANDRA sits on the couch watching
TV.

                    JOE
          I have a deal for you.

                    SANDRA
          Okay.

                    JOE
          You stay out of my email and I’ll
          stay out of yours.

                    SANDRA
          Okay… why?

                    JOE
          Because I’ve done some christmas
          shopping online and I don’t want
          you snooping for reciepts.

                    SANDRA
          Okay. Deal.

                    JOE
          In fact, living inside my email is
          a ghost. A really mean ghost, who
          hates you. A lot.

                    SANDRA
          What?!

                    JOE
          Yep. And if you open my email he
          will jump out and get you.

                    SANDRA
          No way!!

                    JOE
          Yep. Also, there’s a leprechaun.
          And he’s drunk. And has a knife.
          And if you open my email he will
          stab you on the titties.

                    SANDRA
          Yeah, well, you know what’s in MY
          email?

                    JOE
          What?

                    SANDRA
          I big angry lesbian self defense
          instructor. And if you open my
          email she’ll do the twist-and-shout
          on you.

                    JOE
          ON MY BALLS?!

                    SANDRA
          Yep. Fucker.

The end.

Christmas was good. Sandra did a great job getting stuff for me, and she seemed to be pretty happy with the stuff I got her. I got Guitar Hero from my mom and a whole pile of stuff from Sandra. Highlights included Scarface for the PS2, a friggin awesome iced tea maker, a bunch of books, The Adventures of Pete and Pete season 1, the Roger Waters CD The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking, a Tenacious D shirt, and Pick of Destiny necklace that’s now hanging from my car’s rearview mirror.

Speaking of the car… so the Chrysler New Yorker is no more. Literally. The transmission went out and I couldn’t justify putting over a grand into a car I paid 250 bucks for. We ended up finding a 93 (I think) Ford Tempo for 400 bucks. It’s actually in pretty damned good shape. The guy selling it just wanted to get rid of it because he had a new car and didn’t have a parking spot at his apartment complex for it. So yeah, we bought that and the New Yorker went to the crusher.

It made me pretty sad to get rid of that New Yorker. I loved that car. It was so friggin comfortable. It was like putting a pet down, because it was still very much alive. I mean, it ran… it just couldn’t change gears. It was like a horse with a broken leg. I was alive and virile… it just couldn’t race anymore. Although, it had other problems that would eventually need to be dealt with, and I wasn’t in a position to actually put the money and time into sorting out.

So I put a Day of the Dead sticker on the back and my Pick of Destiny necklace on the rearview and it’s officially a Joe car. It’s still certainly not my Maverick, but it’s a Joe car all the same. I need to get an MP3 player or something that I can hook up to an FM transmitter and listen to some music. Right now it’s got a tape deck and a radio but no CD, so I’ve been going a little crazy without my music. I hate the radio and I’ve long since packed away my tapes. I don’t think I could go back to tapes anyway.

New Years was entirely uneventful. Worked until 8 and then went home and watched TV with Sandra. We watched Dick Clark’s Rockin’  New Years, which is now Ryan Seacrest’s Rockin’  New Years featuring Dick Clark. It was cheesy as hell as usual, but I’m always glad to see Christina Aguilera perform. Fergy on the other hand is friggin obnoxious. She’s replaced Gwen Stefani as the official ”Chick that looks like she smells weird” and Gwen has just gone insane. Seeing Dick Clark all fucked up from his stroke is kind of depressing.

Right now I’m tired but I don’t want to go to sleep. I get this thing where I desperately try to hold onto the night even though I’m getting retarded tired and the later I stay up the more tired I’ll be tomorrow. I just feel like when the house is quiet and it’s dark and no one is going to call me or come knocking on the door… that’s like pure Joe time. I can do anything I want (except, like, hammer stuff and set off fireworks or play “lets scream a lot for no reason”) and no one cares. I can write if I want and listen to music on my headphones. I watch watch movies or draw or whatever. I can do that stuff during the day if I’m not at work, but it’s not the same. There are other things to do that weigh on me and people call me on the phone and I have to go out and pick things up and drop things off and the world is buzzing all around me, keeping me distracted and unable to focus on anything specific. I can sit down and watch a movie but I’ll get up five times over the course of the movie. I’ll smoke and answer the phone and go pee, and then I’ll check my email and talk to my neighbor and switch the laundry and bla bla bla. At night all I have to do is whatever I want for as long as I want.

But here we are. I’m falling down tired but I’m still sitting here writing. Of course, I’ve been home from work for three hours and I haven’t really DONE anything productive. I’ve worked on my website that no one goes to and I’ve written this.

I really need to start writing the zombie movie. My mom suggested some interesting ideas for it and that triggered some more ideas and I think I’ve got a really good idea for really good twist. It also ties into not only the sequel but into another movie I’m working on. A character that is a good guy in that movie will be a bad guy in my zombie picture. Weird how that works out, huh?

Right now my stomach is going batshit so I might end this here.

current music: Pearl Jam – Gone

The tilt of the earth in relation to the sun is the reason for the season. This was going on long before Jesus was born.

Also, pagans were celebrating Christmas well before Christians were.

That’s TWO strikes against Jesus and his claim on the season.

In related news:

This chick has wrapped duct tape to her naughty bits. Now, today I spent a good whack of time ripping up carpet that was affixed with duct tape. I can’t imagine how that’s going to feel coming off. I hope she still has all her parts after this shoot.

current music: Weird Al-Midnight Star

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR JESUS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Fucking Jesus.

Man Kelly, calm down!

current music: Kelly Clarkson-Since U Been Gone

current music: Weird Al Yankovic-Canadian Idiot