Fucking raccoons. I hate them so much.

Okay, so it’s 1:30 in the morning and I just went outside for a smoke.

The motion sensitive halogen lights kick on whenever I go outside at night, and more often than not there’s at least one deer in the yard. Usually the deer (because I’ve come to learn that deer are borderline retarded) will look up at me like “Oh shit! BUSTED!” and get all jittery and weird like I’m going to come over there and kick it’s ass. Deer haven’t figured out yet that I’m completely fucking terrified of them and a 250 pound deer could easily stomp me to death if it wanted to. But no, they get all jumpy and freaked out because I’m standing there. Fucking pussies.

Anyway, so just now I went outside and the light kicked on and I saw a raccoon in the middle of my yard, just kind of sitting in the grass, looking at me like he had been waiting out there for me to come outside. So I do what I usually do and try and scare him away. I go like “PSST! FUCK OFF RACCOON!” in that kind of loud hissy whispering you do when you’re pissed off but you still don’t want to wake everyone up.

The raccoon wasn’t impressed or scared or anything, but he was like “Look dude, whatever. I didn’t want to be in your stupid yard anyway” and he just kind of started to walk away. But he didn’t walk COMPLETELY away (which is what I wanted. GTFO) but just kind of went over the corner, like I couldn’t see him over there.

So I’m standing there smoking and eyeballing this fucking raccoon, but I’m too scared to like, chase after him and try and scare him completely away. The best I could do is stand really close to the door and give him dirty looks.

Then the goddamned motion light turned off, because I had been standing still, and I had a mini panic attack because suddenly it was pitch black and there was a raccoon near by. So I started frantically waving my arms to get the light to kick back on.

When the light turned back on, the raccoon was GONE!

Or I thought he was gone. That was the scary part. Because the light is so harsh, it illuminates a lot of the yard, but the parts that aren’t illuminated are completely dark. The shadows and such. So I start trying to figure out where he had gone.

Then I hear a noise over in the tree on left side of the yard (the tree being quite a bit closer to me… about maybe ten feet away) and I look over and in the parts I could see from the light, there were FOUR FUCKING RACCOONS!

I almost shit my pants. And it’s not like this a huge ass tree. The raccoons were at chest and face level. Maybe five feet off the ground.

What was even worse, I could HEAR another one moving around in at the bottom of the tree, which I couldn’t see because of the shadow from the shed. Oh man… I was fucking freaked out.

Of the four that I could see, only one was looking at me. I think it might have been the one I talked shit at earlier, because he looked pissed off. He had his buddies with him now and he wasn’t going to take any of my bullshit at all. He was looking at me with white hot hatred in his eyes. I could feel it. It was like he was saying “Hey big man, come over here and talk that shit now! I’ll rape you in the face, motherfucker!” and I’m standing there all shaking and spazzing out and about to cry and saying “Please don’t rape me in the face you fucking raccoon!”

Finally I was done smoking (I wasn’t going to waste half a cigarette because of some raccoon. I refuse to be bullied like that) so I ran inside and locked the door.

Fucking raccoons. I hate them so much.

There are a lot of animals I don’t like. Pandas and penguins and giraffes and dolphins and ostriches to name a few. But it’s more like I don’t like the IDEA of those animals. I don’t like them on an academic level. With raccoons it’s fucking personal. I hate raccoons.

So when I was looking up information about Last House on the Left (gotta fact check my shit you know) on Wikipedia, I did what I usually do when I’m on Wikipedia and I started clicking links to other entries which then lead to links to other entries, until I’ve spent four hours looking at all kinds of random shit and I’m no where near where I started.

Except in this case I didn’t wander TOO far. I went from Last House on the Left to Wes Craven to A Nightmare on Elm. And really, in my world, eventually all road lead to Freddy. That’s just how I roll.

Anyway, I got to reading about how apparently the song Dream Weaver by Gary Wright (which will, in my mind, forever be associated with Wayne longing for the Strat in the guitar store window in Wayne’s World) was one of main inspirations for A Nightmare on Elm Street and that main Nightmare theme is based on that song. The entry on Wikipedia says that the “main synth riff” of the Nightmare theme is from Dream Weaver.

I’ve listened to Dream Weaver about six times now and I just don’t hear it. I’m trying to, because I think that would be awesome to be able to hear A Nightmare on Elm Street in this cheesy fucking song. But I dunno. The weird opening and closing music (which sounds just a whole lot like Shine On You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd) is kind of similar in style, I guess… but I don’t hear anything that sounds like the main riff of the Nightmare on Elm Street theme.

Dream Weaver

The Nightmare on Elm Street theme.

Can someone please listen to both of these and show me where I’m missing it? Because I know that Wikipedia is never, ever wrong and obviously it’s my ears and brain that are broken.

Speaking of which.

I hate how people are so fucking uppity about Wikipedia. Like it’s completely full of shit all the time. Sure, there’s stuff on there that isn’t perfectly accurate all the time. It’s an imperfect system, I know. But more often than not, it’s a valuable and awesome wealth of mostly accurate information.

For instance, this:

I was at work the other day and somehow got to ranting at a customer (which I’m prone to do at times) about how pandas are evil, wicked animals to be feared, not loved. My rational is that they’re bears, and that bears vicious killing machines that will stop at nothing in their quest to devour your soul and bath in human blood. It was a couple I was talking to, and the chick decides to pull out this fairly common, but totally wrong little factoid “Well, actually Pandas aren’t really bears.” I said “WHAT? of course they’re bears.” to which she said “No, they’re marsupials.” Which is not only completely incorrect, but totally stupid as well.

I’ll give people that up until somewhat recently, scientists weren’t sure exactly WHAT pandas are, but they have been officially classified as bears. They certainly aren’t fucking marsupials though.

So I told her “I actually got into this discussion with someone recently,” (which is true) “and I had to read up on pandas to prove my point that they are, in fact, bears.” and then mr. boyfriend comes in with “Oh yeah? Where did you read that?” and I said “Wikipedia” and he gets all sarcastic and says “OH! Well if it was on Wikipedia then it MUST be true!” like I’m a fucking moron. Then he goes on to say “I study genetics and I can tell you that pandas are not bears. They’re actually from the same family as raccoons.”

Okay, first of all, fuck that guy. Second of all, yes, until recently, there was debate as to whether pandas were bears or a type of raccoon. But now that they’ve done genetic testing on pandas, they’ve figured out that guess what, they’re fucking bears. You study genetics? THEN YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS SHIT, FUCKHEAD.

This is from the WWF’s site (the World Wildlife Foundation, not the wrestling company) on their panda FAQ.

“Are pandas bears?
Giant pandas are biologically unique. They are classified as bears, but unlike other bears, cannot store enough body fat to hibernate. “

Which is the same thing it says on Wikipedia.

That fucking condescending (and wrong) fuck. Fuck. I’m going to keep saying fuck a lot. Bear with me.

AND, even if that fucking dipshit was right, and they ARE some kind of huge ass raccoon… that would be EVEN WORSE. A bear sized raccoon? FUCKING FORGET ABOUT IT. Raccoons are even scarier and more evil that bears in my eyes, so either way, fuck pandas. My argument stands.

Not that it matters, because pandas are bears and they’re evil and I’m glad they refuse to fuck and are going extinct. When I’m rich, I’m going to own a black market panda fur coat.

Fucking pandas.

Fucking customers. Marsupials my ass. Hey lady. What are you, retarded? Hey. Hey! Hey guess what, silly woman. KOALAS are marsupials. That’s what you’re thinking of. They’re also big fat dopey slow tree eating idiots. Just like you. You fucking fuck.

…

Okay, I’m over it.

In related news, I very much want a shirt with this image on it:

Also, this:

In an effort to combat my sour mood, I searched for “puppies” in Flickr.

Here are some of the puppies I found. I can shares them.

I thought this dog was really a good jumper, but then I realized that he’s just laying on his back going like “RUB MAH BELLAH!” which is still pretty awesome. Probably more awesome than if he was jumping, because a dog that jumps like that aint no dog I wanna deal with.

This fucking dog is brilliant! He’s not as good at Rubix cubes as me, but still, he’s a fucking dog so I gotta give him an A for effort.

This dog thinks he’s bad ass but he’s just a little fucking dog.

Oh shit! This dog is fucking cute!

Dude, fuck you fucking poodles. Who do you think you are? Fucking stupid ass dogs.

This dog wants to fucking kill himself.

OH SHIT! This is my favorite one so far! This dog is a fucking clown! If I was a dog, I’d totally be this dog.

This dog is fucking wasted. He has a problem. IT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE MORNING FUCKING DOG! Fucking druck ass dog.

This dog gets laid HELLA. Even with that goofy collar.

HEY! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE FUCKING PANDA!

FUCK!

Nah. Move along.

OMG! ! This dog was born blind and is in a shelter and needs to be adopted. I would adopt the fuck out of that dog! http://www.barcshelter.org/ Someone in NY adopt that cute ass blind fucking dog!

THIS IS NOT MAKING ME HAPPY ANYMORE.

OMG HIGH FIVE DOWN LOW TOO SLOW!

Happy birthday Romeo, you dopey lookin’ motherfucker!

That’s a fucking wolf.

HEY NOT EVEN FUCK OFF!

GROSS!

I LOVE DOGS THAT SMILE!

This fucker loves America. And probably Jesus too.

FUCK! Puppy tongues are fucking cute!

TO MUCH FUCKING DOGS!

Don’t even think about touching my cookie you fucking dick.

This fucker is so baked he’s not even actually wearing a sweater, he’s hallucinating that shit. That’s why it looks like a fucking crocheted technicolor dream coat.

This fucker thinks he’s Jaws and that’s why he’s awesome.

D:

WHOA! JUNGLE FEVER!

…

I’m bored of dogs. I’m going to search for…

“naked trampoline”

…

Internets, you have failed me for the last time!

This almost makes up for it though.

Question: What is the best animal?

Answer: Turtles.

It’s that simple.

These are Red Ear Sliders. They’re common pet turtles. I <3 them.

I would have also accepted the following:

Monkeys (and apes, if you want to be specific. But not gorillas.)

But maybe not these ones

|
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v

 
Those guys look too much like folks.

Degus

Flying Squirrels

Flying squirrels are the super heroes of the squirrel world. They’re like fucking Batman. I bet you Flying Squirrels sing the Batman theme song to themselves constantly. I would.

Not that Batman can fly. But neither can a flying squirrel.

and Meerkats

So I was at Walmart today buying birthday presents for Sandra. Her birthday is tomorrow. Yeah, that’s how I roll. Buying presents at Walmart the day before her birthday. I’m a P.I.M.P.

I was in the electronics section and this song was playing. The Bangles cover of Hazy Shade of Winter by Simon and Garfunkel. It’s fucking great. Even though parts of it sound like Enya or something. Not that I have anything against Enya. She has a job and she does it quite well.

As a matter of fact, there are certain moments in my life when I really fucking dig Enya. I don’t care what you think. For instance, if I’m doing some serious house cleaning. Playing Enya towards the very end of the cleaning process is very refreshing. Especially when you’re done, and like, go through and light some incense and candles and shit and the house is all clean and nice and peaceful and smells like a metaphysical book store. All of the DVDs are all organized and the computer desk is all clean and shit. It’s fantastic.

But only every once in a while. Like, a few times a year.

Now that I mention it, I should probably do a decent clean on this place. Like, one of those cleans where I rip everything off the shelf and actually put it in some sort of order and throw out the shit that I don’t need or pack it away or something. My desk is a fucking disaster right now.

Part of that is because I had to pull it away from the wall earlier today. At later today. And this evening.

One of the things I bought while I was out today was an amplifier for the cable. You see, the main cable outlet is in the bedroom for some stupid ass reason. Then it’s wired through the wall and spits out in the living room, split off of the outlet in the bedroom. Then THAT outlet is split again, one side going to the computer and the other running along the wall and around a couple corners for about twenty feet to the TV. Well, to the VCR and then to the TV.

As you can imagine, my cable reception is shit.

So I bought this amplifier and put it on the source outlet in the bedroom. The picture suddenly looked fantastic. Channels that we couldn’t even watch before were coming in crystal clear. Channels that we didn’t even notice were somewhat distorted before were suddenly pristine and almost superhuman.

But, unfortunately, it totally fucked up my internet. With the amplifier on there, the internet didn’t work. It took me a while to figure out why my internet suddenly didn’t work. I had to pull my desk out from the wall to get to where the cable comes in from bedroom to the living room and splits into the internet and cable for my TV. Now, you have to understand that I bought this desk at a government surplus sale. It’s fucking HUGE and it’s solid. Like, you could put up an entire model train set on this thing. I’m dreading when we have to move. Chance are I’ll just leave the desk last, and then go at it with an ax.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m not dreading it all. Chopping it up with an ax might be kind of fucking cool.

So yeah, I had to pull it out from the wall to dick with the cable outlet. Then I had to push it back. Then I had to pull it out again. Then push it back. And then pull it out again. Then push it back.

Tomorrow, when I pick up another coaxial cable from the dollar store, I’ll have to pull it out again.

My point is, that when I pulled it out, I found a million dusty and cobweb covered relics from the past few years.

Like my 2004 Elvira Calendar, which I can only assume fell back there sometime soon after 2005.

There were also a few action figures, a million CDs, a fair bit of garbage, some kind of squishy, sticky rubber scorpion among other random toys and a bunch of various computer components and cables and mouses and various other bullshit. I pulled a couple of interesting things out (like said Elvira calendar) and the rest of it? I pushed it right the fuck back there.

Out of sight, out of mind. That’s my motto.

One of the many wonderful and amazing things that I saw in California was a TV show called Meekcat Manor. I imagine you’ve probably seen it or heard of it. I had never seen it before. I got to watch three or four episodes in the evenings after Disneyland. I was hooked. It’s like, the best show in the history of anything. I got so friggin invested in these little fuckers. It’s like The Real World: Kalahari. It’s what happens when Meerkats stop being polite, and start getting real.

It’s on a channel called Animal Planet. I’ve also never seen this channel before. I was instantly sold on it. You see, I love The Discovery Channel. But mostly I just love the animal shows. This is like, a whole channel dedicated to Discovery Channel animal shows. It blew my mind. Of course, I don’t get Animal Planet up here in Suckada. I mean Canada. I’m sure it’s available on like, satellite or digital cable or something, but I don’t have those, so I blame Canada, and not my own cheapness and unwillingness to play assloads of money for better TV.

But yeah… it’s fucking awesome. And it’s narrated quite competently by Sean Aston of The Goonies fame.

That’s all I have to say for now. I rented a bajillion movies today. Five I believe that are supposed to come out on Tuesday. I don’t know if I’ll get to watch more than one or two.

Currently Listening: Bangels – Hazy Shade of Winter

One of my favorite fish died. He was a Dojo Loach named Floppy. I just found him dead at the top of the tank, in his favorite spot, flopped over the top of the tall plant.

I tried to find a picture of him, but for some reason I can’t find any.

Here’s a picture of someone else’s Dojo Loach that looks like Floppy.

Except that Floppy was longer and more awesome.

I’m sad now

So one of the many things that sucks about living here is that there is an unsettling amount of spiders living outside of my house. They’re everywhere. More often than not, when I walk to my car, at some point I’ll freak out because I feel a spider web touch my face or hair, and I’m not sure if I actually walked through a whole spider web or just a strand.

Living outside of my door there are at least nine or ten spiders that I’m familiar with. I see them every time I go for a smoke and I generally keep tabs on them. I like to know where they are when I go out there so that I don’t accidentally bump into one or something.

There’s this one guy… this one fucking spider…

He’s a big bastard. He lives up in the corner under the deck.

You see, I have to walk under the deck (which is connected to the backdoor upstairs) to leave my place. I live in the basement see. I leave through the basement door and walk under the deck and around the  house. There’s a pair of support beams on either side of the walkway that leads from my door to the rest of the back yard. In the corner on the right side is where this spider lives.

Now, this spider is pretty damned big. He’s not quite tarantula sized, but he’s getting there. He makes these monster webs that usually connect from the wall to the bottom of the deck and take up the right corner of that little doorway that’s made by the beams.

I usually see him at night when I’m smoking. During the day, he seems to hide.

But at night…

Okay, so pretty much every night, I go out for a smoke, and I see him chillin’ in his web. The problem is that he makes his web big enough that pretty much any time I walk between those beams, my head is going to hit his web. That just can’t happen.

So every night when I see him chillin’ in his web, I take the tip of my lit cigarette and I start burning the load baring strands of his web, causing it to collapse. Every night I do that and every night he gets this pissed off look and yells “HEY!! CUT IT OUT!!” and eventually I win, because I’m bigger and I have fire.

This has been going on for weeks. Almost every night. I go outside, see him in his web and I start popping those support threads and every night he scrambles around trying to figure out what’s happening, until his web is a twisted up pile of bullshit stuck to the wall.

Every so often I’ll go out there and see him and he’s actually rebuilt his web higher and closer to the wall, out of the way of my head. When this is the case, I leave him alone. I start feeling all good about myself and I think “Awesome! Maybe I’m getting through to him!” and I feel all proud of the spider for finally figuring out that he needs to move his shit.

But then I come out the next night and he’s torn down his web and rebuilt it again, all in the way of my head. And I break it down again.

I keep hoping that one day he’ll figure it out.

Tonight I had a bit of a scare. I was breaking the strands with my cigarette tip, and suddenly he bailed on the web and fell. Keep in mind that he’s a good six-seven feet off the ground, depending on where in his web he’s at. It’s concrete on the ground, so I thought he might die. I don’t want him to die… at least not because I was wrecking his house. Luckily, he pulled a Spider-Man and swung around and grabbed onto the wall with his butt-webs. Then he just sat there, all freaked out and trying to figure out if he was dead or not. I blew a bunch of smoke on him to wake his ass up and he scrambled back up the wall again to his corner.

I know that tomorrow when I go out for a smoke, he’ll have rebuilt his web and it will be all in my way again, and I’ll have to burn it down again.

Currently Listening: The Beatles – I’m So Tired

First of all:

Fuck THAT shit! I would move SO fast! I don’t even know what the fuck those things are, but they look WAY too much like Raccoons to be anywhere near my house. I think they’re Badgers or something, which is almost as bad. That cat must be fucking freaked out.

Photoshopped, but fuck. I don’t understand ticks. Like, why is there an animal that can drink so much blood that it balloons up into a useless ball of bug that can’t move or anything? That doesn’t really seem to be consistent with anything else in nature.

When I was a kid, my brother was friends with this weird kid. One day, the kid shows up at our house carrying a puppy that he found in the desert. The puppy was literally covered in ticks. Hundreds and hundreds of ticks. It was a little tiny thing and was not in good health. It was like something from a horror movie. We got to work getting the ticks off in the bathtub. Many of them were huge and bloated like this:

Eventually, we got them all off and the dog was sick for a little while but got better. We ended up keeping him and naming him Bear. Then my mom and dad got back together and one of the first things my dad did was make us get rid of Bear. I was very sad.

And here are two nakeds picture. The first is just hot and the second is burgeriffic.

Currently Listening: Randy Newman – Birmingham

(reposted from Jul 23, 2004. For archival purposes)

I can’t decide if I like or hate nature.

Mostly I hate it. I generally don’t like being outside.

But I do like the sun. The sun is pretty cool. I don’t like snow. In fact, I HATE snow. I don’t like Raccoons. They’re dicks. One time there was a Raccoon in my backyard at like, 7 in the morning. Usually I just see them creeping around at night like the skuzzy pieces of shit they are. But this one was out during the day. It was weird. I thought it was a big fucking cat, but then it like, looked at me with it’s evil little Raccoon eyes.

I don’t know why I capitalize the word Raccoon. But I do. Deal with it.

Anyway, so I’m looking at this fucking thing in my backyard, and I decide I don’t like it being in my backyard, so I yelled at it to try and scare it away. The Raccoon looked at me and say “fuck you dude, quit yelling. it’s 7 in the motherfucking morning”

So I ran at it waving my arms like “ARRRGGHH!!!” and it was all “pfft” and it started to walk away. It stopped and looked back at me again so I started walking towards it, on accounta I had put the fear of Joe into it.

So it kept walking. Eventually it got to the corner of the fence. I figured it would jump up the fence and over into Dan’s yard and then our business would be done.

It TRIED to do that, but it couldn’t make it. It only scratched up the fence and then landed on the ground. I had it cornered. I was about eight feet away from it.

Then the fucking thing RAN at me, really fast.

Then I screamed like a woman and ran inside really quick and locked the door. Just in case it tried to get in.

I definitely don’t like Raccoons.

I like bats though. Bats are cool. And ladybugs. Ladybugs are pretty awesome. Also caterpillars.
I don’t like wasps though. Or ants. Ants suck.

I also don’t like places that don’t have shade. Like the beach. Fuck the beach. I only go to the beach if I can swim, and you can’t do that here because this is Canada and the water is freezing cold. So I don’t go to the beach, even though I live five minutes from it.
I also don’t really like geese. They’re annoying.

I don’t believe in recycling either. And I love eating animals. I’d eat anything. I’d eat dog. I’d eat horse. I’d eat rat if it tasted good. I’d probably eat monkey if it tasted good.

Just so long as I don’t have to meet the animal first. And so long as it doesn’t look like the animal by the time I get it. I don’t like to eat stuff that still looks like it was when it was alive.
Like fish. And lobster. And whole pigs.

Hamburgers are awesome, because they’re flat and round and don’t look anything like a cow. Same goes for chicken. Chicken is just a ball of delicious meat.
Even Turkey. Even though it still KIND of looks like a live turkey, it doesn’t REALLY. Mostly it just looks like a big brown ball with weird handles.
I don’t like reaching my hand up the turkey’s beaver and pulling out the neck and the jiblits. that shit is gross. I feel like a turkey OBGYN when I do that.

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/070123/odds/odd_australia_shark_dc

Diver says he was partly swallowed by shark

Tue Jan 23, 8:22 AM

By Michael Perry

SYDNEY, Jan 23 (Reuters Life!) – An Australian abalone diver told rescuers he was partly swallowed head-first by a Great White Shark on Tuesday but managed to fight his way free, suffering a broken nose and bite marks around the chest.

Diver Eric Nerhus, 41, was underwater with his 25-year-old son and other divers off Cape Howe, near Eden on Australia’s southeast coast, when the 3 meter (10 foot) shark attacked.

Rescuers earlier mistakenly reported his age as 25.

“He stated that he was head-first into the shark,” a spokeswoman for Snowy Hydro SouthCare rescue service told Reuters after airlifting the diver to hospital.

“When he came to us he was conscious and alert but had a broken nose and lacerations to both sides of his torso and chest — bite marks all the way around,” the spokeswoman said.

Nerhus told fellow divers he didn’t see the shark coming as the water was so dirty that visibility was severely limited.

“It was black. He didn’t see it coming, but he felt the bite and then started getting shaken, and that’s when he knew he was in the mouth of the shark,” said local diver Michael Mashado.

The shark bit Nerhus around the head first, crushing his face mask and breaking his nose, fellow diver and friend Dennis Luobikis told Reuters.

NOTHING BUT THE VEST

“He was actually bitten by the head…the shark swallowed his head,” said Luobikis, adding a second bite by the shark saw it clench its jaw around Nerhus’ torso.

“The brunt of the bite was taken by his lead-weight vest. Its all over your torso. Eric said to me at the wharf that his weight vest saved him,” he said.

Abalone divers spend sometimes 6 to 8 hours underwater and use lead weight vests, not lead belts, to stay down. The vests spread the lead weight across the body, minimising back strain.

Nerhus fought frantically to free himself from the shark’s jaws and was eventually pulled back aboard his boat by his son.

“He pushed his abalone chisel into its head while it was biting and it let him go and swam away,” said Luobikis.

Luobikis said it was a miracle his friend had lived.

“Eric is a tough boy, he’s super fit. But I would say that would test anyone’s resolve, being a fish lunch,” he said.

Attacks by Great White Sharks are usually fatal because of the massive size of the predators, which breed in Australia’s cold southern waters, and the sheer force of their bites.

Sharks, including Great Whites, are protected in Australia.

Australia has had a number of shark attacks in the past year.

In December, a surfer off the southern coast survived an attack with minor injuries, while a 15-year-old boy swimming off a remote southwest beach had his leg bitten.

Last January, a scuba diver off the Western Australian city of Perth survived an attack by a Great White after fighting it off with his speargun and then his hands.

A 21-year-old woman died last January after she was attacked by three sharks while swimming off an island on Australia’s northeast coast. She lost both forearms and suffered wounds to the legs and torso.

The U.S. state of Florida annually records by far the most shark attacks.

Between 1990 and 2005 there were 341 shark attacks off Florida, according to the U.S.-based International Shark Attack File, www.flmnh.ufl.edu/fish/Sharks/ISAF/ISAF.htm.

Over the same period, Australia reported 74 attacks, South Africa 72, Brazil 62 and Hawaii 57.

Sometimes it’s just time for GNR.

In other news:

Fuck sharks. Seriously.

Just, like… no.

I refuse to believe that these things even exist on the same planet as me. I watch Shark Week every year on Discovery Channel and every year I come to the same conclusion… it’s either sharks or me. It can’t be both ways. Either I exist or sharks exist. And I think, therefor I am, so that must mean that sharks don’t actually exist. It’s gotta be some kind of special effects or something.

It would be real easy for a big ass great white to kill me. He wouldn’t even have to bite me. If I was on a boat out in the ocean and I saw something like that jump up out of the water all like “ARRGH!!! I’M A SHARK!!” my brain would just fucking explode and that would be the end of Joe. My brain would explode and I’d fade away like fucking Yoda, because I can’t exists on the same plain of existence as sharks. I’d lose all of my sanity points and then just disappear into the void.

Sharks are some shit that HP Lovecraft would come up with.

Other scary animals I can handle. Lions and bears and bats and penguins I can deal with. Not this. Not these abominations before god and all that is holy. I mean, it’s a tube of flesh with a hole on one end filled with giant razor sharp teeth. And ENDLESS SUPPLY of giant razor sharp teeth! Sharks keep growing TEETH for as long as they live. Rows and rows of teeth, just filing forward like food in a vending machine.

There was a great white shark caught in New Brunswick in the 1930s that was 11.3 meters long… that’s 37.6 fucking feet long. That’s as tall as a THREE story house. ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!

I can’t even think about this anymore. My brain is melting. It’s like trying to think about where the universe ends. Homie don’t play that.

Currently Listening: Sweet Child o’ Mine

So I reinstalled Windows. That’s all well and good except that I can’t find the friggin drivers for my sound card… and I can only go so long without musics!

NEVERMIND FUCKERS, I GOT EM!

I was trying to install the drivers for my OLD sound card. I forgot that I have a new one. I RULE!

Except that my new one is shittier than my old one. Oh well.

Check out these hamsters. That’s fucking team work!

So I’ve been feeling a powerful urge to get a hamster lately. It’s been a bit of an issue with me.

Carl died a year ago. And that was incredibly hard for me. I had Lenny and Carl for about six years and it was really hard when I found Lenny dead and absolutely devastating when Carl died. Like, it really fucked me up.

I have fifty dollars from a christmas present that didn’t work very well and I returned. I went to Petsmart to look at fish stuff and, naturally, I found myself in front of the rodent display, looking at all of the hamsters and gerbils and mice. No degus though.

It didn’t take long before the ole’ Joe heart strings started playing a “want” song.

I walked around that store for a half hour with a hamster cage under my arm. I kept going back to the rodents, trying to figure out what I wanted. I was pretty sure I wanted a hamster, even though I know that hamsters have a short life span. I thought that might be better.

I don’t know. The whole idea of buying an animal that’s only going to live for a year or two seems kind of masochistic. But then again, it might be better if I haven’t bonded with an animal for six or seven years. But it is a weird phenomenon. Buying something that’s just going to die and make you sad down the road.

I guess the point is everything between when you take them home and when they die. It’s a fun ride and if you’ve done a respectable job taking care of them, you can feel good about knowing that you gave them a good life. At least as good as any life they could have expected to have.

Then again, I have to think about WHY do I want a hamster? I’m sure it’s the same need that anyone has for getting any pet. I can’t say I fully understand it, but I’m sure it’s got something to do with unconditional love and companionship. And having someone that depends on you for their very existence. I mean, if I’ve got a hamster in a cage, it’s very life is in my hands. That’s a pretty serious feeling, even if it is just a hamster.

So I put the cage back and left. I didn’t even get any fish.

I talked it out with Sandra and it makes sense to not get a hamster. Logically. I’d be setting myself up for hurt. I’d be trying to replace Lenny and Carl. We don’t really have room for a hamster cage, what with the two fish tanks I’ve got going right now.

But the heart wants what it wants.

I went out for a smoke a few minutes ago and actually went out to my car and sat behind the driver’s seat contemplating whether or not to actually go and do it.

This is a serious exorcise in willpower. It’s hard for me because I’m incredibly impulsive. I do things pretty much because I want to rather than because they make sense. I’m having to fight that urge to satisfy my emotional need for a small, furry animal.

Goddamnit. I’m losing the battle.

I have a hardcore desire for a slice of pizza. It just came out of nowhere. Interestingly enough, the pizza place that I go to that sells awesome pizza by the slice happens to be right next to the pet store.

Nope. Not gonna do it. I’m going to watch a movie or something. Fuck, I don’t know.

current music: Alice Cooper-Be My Lover

I have at least three mortal enemies in the animal kingdom. The first two I won’t explain right now, but they’re cows and penguins. The third is the sneakiest and most frightening of the three, and that’s raccoons. I fucking HATE raccoons.

I’ve had my run in with these nasty fuckers in the past. It wasn’t pretty and didn’t leave me feeling very friendly towards natures little bandits.

Tonight I had another incident, except this time I was the victor.

I went out for a smoke, as I’m sometimes inclined to do. It was nine thirty and dark outside. I turned on the outside light for the back entryway and then heard a chaotic kerskuffle and saw some kind of animal booking ass down the stairs, growling a scary monster growl. My first thought was that there was a massive mongoloid cat falling down the stairs and swearing to itself. Then I heard a very heavy sounding skuttle as it jumped halfway up a tree.

It didn’t take me long to figure out what I was looking at, even though the porch light didn’t illuminate the tree it was latched onto like a big fat evil squirrel. All I could see were it’s wicked eyes glowing in the dark like a demon from hell. So I brought out my lighter and flicked it on. I thought this might totally blow it’s mind and make it run away but apparently it’s not terrified by man’s red fire like Shere Khan the tiger.

So failing that I stepped inside quickly and grabbed the flashlight, fresh from the massive power outage and shined it right on that fucker. That did the job. He spazzed out and ran across the lawn and behind the shed. I saw him peek his ugly little mug out around the wall and I shined my riotous light of truth in his dark soul and he hid behind the shed again.

That’s when I started my tirade of trash talking. It went roughly something like this:

“That’s RIGHT you evil fucker! HIDE LIKE THE LITTLE BITCH YOU ARE!! JUST TRY AND COME OUT AND FACE ME!!! I’LL KARATE YOU RIGHT ON THE FUCKING FACE!! FUCKING DICKCHEESE RACCOON COCKSUCKER!!!”

Then the neighbor’s light came on, either because he saw me waving my flashlight around in the backyard or because he heard me yelling profanities. Either way, that was enough for me and I went inside.

Raccoon 1 – Joe 1

The balance has been returned!

update:

EVIDENCE!

current music: Meat Loaf-Bat Out Of Hell

Ya know, I saw this shit on Shark Week one time, and it STILL fucks my mind up. Sharks in the water I can handle… i mean, I don’t really go in the ocean very much, and when I do, I don’t really worry about sharks eating me.

Giant sharks that can jump eight feet up in the air? FUCK that shit. Nature is some bullshit.

current music: Saves The Day-Sonic Reducer (Dead Boys)

So I’m watching some CNN thing about Steve Irwin. The chump hosting it has Steve’s best friend and manager on the phone. He keeps asking him to describe the attack and if it was true that Steve pulled the barb out of his chest and wanted to go back in the water. The guy is just about crying on the phone talking about the death of his best friend and this guy’s asking him for more details on exactly what happened when they pulled Steve out of the water.

Then they brought out Jack Hanna and started asking him about sting rays. Jack kept reiterating that sting rays are generally not dangerous animals. He said that he didn’t want people to start staying away from the ocean out of fear of sting rays the way they did about sharks after Jaws. He said that the last person in Australia (where Irwin was killed) to die from a sting ray attack was eighteen years ago.

The host kept trying to play sting rays up as these like, vicious monsters of the ocean. Then they brought out this other Animal Planet host (I forget his name) and that guy said the same thing about sting rays, that he didn’t want people to start freaking out about them and that you’re more likely to get struck by lightning than to be attacked by a sting ray.

So then that segment ends and CNN’s next segment starts and the title is in big ominous letters and it’s something like “STING RAYS!!! NATURES MOST EVIL SONS OF BITCHES!! DON’T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE OR THEY’LL KILL YOU!!!” and they did this whole segment about sting rays and how badly they can fuck you up. They interviewed this dude from some aquarium somewhere and he’d be stung once in the hand and he kept going on about how badly it hurt, but that his job was handling sting rays and it probably would have happened eventually, considering that he fucks with them it all the time. But CNN kept on with the sting ray scare tactics.

It just pisses me off. CNN is so bent on keeping people scared of everything. The next segment after the sting ray one was “It’s been five years since 9-11! Are we any safer now from terrorists than we were before?!” and now they’re talking about how terrorists are going to kill us all at any minute.

Jesus Christ!

I wish that the terrorists would go to Atlanta and fucking blow up CNN. That’s how sick of it I am.

Why does every fucking news story have to be twisted into  “Do you REALLY THINK YOU’RE SAFE?!”

By Christmas they’ll be doing stories about people being killed at shopping malls going Christmas shopping. Halloween will be all about people dressed up in costumes kidnapping kids and passing out tainted candy.

I don’t know if people still do this or not, but remember how when we were kids and we went Trick or Treating and our parents had to inspect our candy to make sure there weren’t razorblades or poison in our candy?

What in the complete fuck was THAT about? I know that they learned that from the news, because I remember the news telling people “you better check your kid’s candy because it might be tainted with evil!”

What the shit?! Have you EVER heard of a kid getting poisoned or finding a razorblade in their candy? That shit just doesn’t happen. Okay, so there might be one crazy guy once who did that. I’m sure it’s maybe happened once or twice, like, ever. Does that mean that we’ve all of a sudden got to inspect all candy for tampering? Are you fucking shitting me?

I’m not checking shit when my kids get their trick or treat candy. They can eat it all in the car on the way home for all I care. Kids are more likely to get a box of Reese’s Pieces with a dead baby rat in it from the factory in the middle of June than a Tootsie Roll with a razorblade in it on Halloween. It’s completely fucking retarded.

Sting rays aren’t going to attack you unless you fuck with them, and even then it’s not going to kill you. Terrorists aren’t going to blow you up and crazy people aren’t going to poison your kids Halloween candy. Oh, and, you know what? Chances are, unless you live in Africa, you’re probably not going to get AIDS either. CNN needs to shut the fuck up.