Fucking fuckers! Fucking America! What’s wrong with you!?

Carly was like, the total shit! She was cute AND hot and she’s got all kinds of tats and shit. She could sing and she had a fucking killer awesome attitude. She sang Total Eclipse of the Heart AND Jesus Christ Superstar and the theme from Highlander. She wore all kinds of crazy eyemake up and dressed like a superhero or a pirate or something. She’s like, my perfect woman.

And y’all bunch of lame ass David Archaleta voters fucked it up!

Fucking David Archaleta…

He’s a small child but I’m going to talk shit about him anyway. He’s on TV, therefor open to my hard scrutiny.

Yes, when he hits those big, power parts of the song, he’s a damned good singer. But… and this is the case with a LOT of the people who get put through on American Idol… just because he’s the best singer technically, doesn’t make him the best candidate for the next big pop star.

Is this kid going to make music that I’m going to listen to? Or that ANYONE is going to listen to really? No! Ruban Studdard can sing, but he can sing shitty fucking music that no one likes, which is why he was dropped by his record label after no one bought his album. Same with Taylor Hicks. Same with stupid Fantasia. They’re good singers, but they’re not the best all around music stars.

Which is the case with this kid. Besides, I’m not convinced he IS the best singer, technically. He’s the best at doing those big, boombastic operatic songs, but when he sings anything softly, he just sounds like he’s mumbling and can’t catch his breath. It’s like he can ONLY sing giant Phantom of the Opera stuff.

Plus, he looks like he’s blind, and the bugs the shit out of me.

And apparently his dad is some kind of psycho hyper critical stage dad that’s always giving him shit and hovers over him the entire time he’s not on camera.

Who else is left?

Fucking Jason Castro. I hate that cocksmacker too. Fucking nasty ass dreads. He looks like a lesbian hippie. And he SERIOUSLY needs to do something about those eyebrows. He’s only ever done one song that I’ve liked, and that was his performance of Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen.

I already ranted about him once today, so I’m just going to copy and paste that here:

Jason Castro is a John Travolta looking, girly eyelash having, nasty dread one trick pony and I HATE him! He always seems like he thinks he’s too good to be on AI and after that god awful performance of Memories he really should have gone home last night.

GAH.

Who else?

Everyone else that’s left is fairly decent. Brooke’s my favorite now that Carly’s gone.

David Cook is alright, but he’s a little cocky and needs to take it down a notch… and seriously needs to do something about that hair. Get a rug a rug or shave it or something, but that comb-over is BAD son!

He surprised me last time too. That version of Music of the Night was fucking killer. I think it was like a molten hot lava bomb or something. I didn’t realize that he actually could sing.

The black chick (Syesha or something) I wasn’t into until ALW night, when she was pretty good. She pissed me off and creeped me out before. She creeped me out because (more than once) she trotted out this weird fake baby cry thing that she does and it was just fucking gross and creepy.

She pissed me off because on Dolly Parton night she comes out and does the Whitney Houston version of I Will Always Love You. If I was Dolly I would have been like "Bitch, you go to hell and you die!" We get to hear Whitney Houston fifty thousand times over the course of AI, do you really need to trot it out on Dolly Parton night? Fucking biznatch.

Especially after Whitney was such a cunt about that song. She’s all "Dolly Parton might have written it, but it wasn’t a hit until I sang it." Which is not only a fucking shitty thing to say, but it’s also totally inaccurate, because Dolly Parton had a HUGE ass hit with that song when she did it.

Fucking Whitney Houston. Crackhead.

Who else is left? Is that it? David Cook, David Archaleta, Jason Castro, Brooke and Syesha. Five.

Damn, getting down to the wire.

I don’t know who’s gonna win the whole thing… honestly I don’t really care. I’d like to see Brooke get somewhere near the top. Close enough for her to be able to get something of her own going without actually winning and getting locked into a bunch of bullshit contracts and American Idol restrictions. I usually don’t want my favorite to actually WIN because, you know, winning the show isn’t necessarily the best thing. It comes with a lot more restrictions that being a runner up. And, sometimes, the runner ups do alright, provided they don’t get too weird (I’m looking at you Clay Aiken).

I’m so sad about Carly. I think I actually loved her a little. By a "little" I mean a lot. Like, if she died I’d make love to her corpse. That kind of love.

She sang Jesus Christ Superstar goddamnit! That alone should have kept her on at least another week. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!

Here, listen to the studio version of her singing Superstar. It ROCKS.

It’s certainly better than any of that other bullshit people were singing that night. Fucking Jason Castro and Cats. Fuck off with that bullshit.

It wasn’t actually 80s night. It was just that the kids all did songs that came out the year they were born, and with a few exceptions for kids born in the 90s, they were all 80s songs.

Over all it was fairly lackluster. Brooke rocked, as per usual. But not as much as usual. David Cook did the Chris Cornell version of Billy Jean. Predictable.

The stand out though was Carly Smithson doing Total Eclipse of the Heart.

As far as I’m concerned, she could sing that fucking song every week for the rest of the season and I’d want her to win.

I fucking love this song. It’s the cheesiest, most awesome, raddest thing to come out of the eighties. Bonnie Tyler was like the female Meatloaf. Singing ridiculous fucking over the top retarded shit with so much conviction and intensity that you buy it. If anyone else in the whole world came out and tried to do some shit like that, they’d be laughed out of the room. But not Bonnie Tyler and not Meatloaf.

Even her official website is the cheesiest shit ever.

But good for her. She pulled that insanity off, and that’s a feat and a half.

I’ve heard people cover Total Eclipse of the Heart (or, for us Bonnie Tyler fans, TEotH) before, but it was always with a certain degree of tongue in cheek awareness of the silliness they were attempting.

And Carly Smithson came out, looking all Evanescence and intense, with the make up and the black hair and whatnot, and sang it like she fucking MEANT that shit. That’s how that song HAS to be sung. You have to have listened to it a thousand times and you have to really fucking love the song. I’ve seen people do it kind of half assed but try and pretty it up. Doesn’t work that way. You have to kick that sound out Chuck Norris Round House style. It has to fly out of your mouth like blood. And Carly did a pretty good job of that.

I like Carly. I didn’t really at first. Well, I didn’t dislike her… she just didn’t stand out to me. But ever since they’ve gone to the bigger studio, she’s been cooler and cooler. Her version of Come Together on Beatles night kicked five different kinds of ass.

I’m usually not that into the girls on AI. Nothing against girls, but for the most part they’re typically interchangeable. There’s like, three standard issue girls that can appear. There’s the black chick that wants to be Whitney. There’s the white chick who wants to be Celine. And there’s the fat black chick who wants to be Aretha. Sometimes there’s an Asian chick, but she’s usually switch able with the white chick. Oh, and there’s the country chick. There’s always a country chick.

But this season has had a few people who don’t perfectly fit the mold of AI. There was Amanda Overmyer, who sucked ass, but was at least different. Different from what shows up on AI anyway. Not different from the "chick who wants to be Janis Joplin" that shows up drunk at karaoke night. There’s Brooke (who’s my favorite) as the chick who wants to be Carly Simon. Then there’s Carly Smithson, who’s just… Carly Smithson. And she fucking rules.

So yeah. I have to go now. I have to drive downtown and it’s fucking SNOWING again. And the snow is sticking too.

I hate this place.

So, as much as I’m losing interest in American Idol, I have to say that that dude who did the rock version of Hello by Lionel Richie tonight fucking rocked. Good for him. I’m glad they’ve started letting them play instruments. It almost (not really) fills a little of the void missing by the fact that there hasn’t been a new edition of Rock Star for a couple of years.

And I really REALLY love that Brooke chick. She’s fucking awesome. She’s like some kind of weird cross between Traci Lords and Emmylou Harris.

And I fucking HATE this guy.

It’s not because he’s SUCH a gayboi. His total and complete gayness doesn’t offend me. I mean, shit, Freddy Murcary is, hands down, the greatest rock and roll front man in history. My problem with him is that he’s such a girl. I just can’t watch him. Watching him perform just kind of makes me sad and a little disgusted. Freddy at least could man up and kick ass, even if he was wearing a dress or biker fag gear. He had conviction (and the insane amount of talent didn’t hurt either) and confidence in himself and his abilities. This guy though… it’s like watching a teenage Jessica Alba in a Liza Minelli tribute band.

I hate that dude with the dreads too. Mostly because I hate white guys with dreads. It’s just gross. His performance tonight was pretty decent though.

So stupid Rosie is calling American Idol racist and “weightist” because they allowed Antonella Barba stay in the competition and they booted Frenchie Davis.

For those who don’t know (wtf?) Frenchie was a contestant a few seasons back and was booted off when softcore porn pictures of her surfaced. Antonella was allowed to stay when photos of her surfaced.

Here’s the difference between the two: Frenchie posed for photos for a porn site. She was paid as a nude model on a fetish website. The photos of Antonella were personal photos that were sold to the media. They were never intended to be public.

The other difference between the two is that Frenchie was on the show because she could sing and Antonella was on the show because she was cute.

So, like most people, I’ve been watching the new season of American Idol. Sandra and I were talking about it and I remarked how it seems like Simon’s being much kinder this season than he has in the past. He seems to have backed off a fair bit.

Then last night I’m watching TV and everyone is talking about how American Idol has gotten TOO mean. That they’re just being cruel for the sake of being cruel. All because stupid Rosie got bored of her feud with The Donald and decided to start a feud with Simon.

This is such fucking bullshit. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Has everyone in American lost their fucking minds?! Have you not SEEN the show? One of the main reasons many people watch the show is because Simon is a huge fucking prick! Jesus! He’s always been emotionally abusive to the shitty singers. It’s his M.O.  It’s what he does. Maybe if you’d come out, I dunno, five years ago, and said that it was out of line, then maybe you’d have a leg to stand on. But coming out NOW and bitching about American Idol hurting people’s feelings? That’s like if people starting bitching about Survivor because Rosie went on TV and said “Survivor isn’t fair! People don’t LIKE eating bugs and being in the rain!”

Fucking assclowns.

If anything, American Idol has gotten tamer over the years. Simon isn’t nearly as mean as he was in the beginning. Sure, he’s still a prick, but I’ve seen him holding back this season in a way I haven’t seen in the past. I’ve seen him make a point to try and let some people down easier than others, which is different. I think the major difference between previous seasons and this one is that Paula isn’t nearly as forgiving as she has been in the past. She seems to have a bitter streak this season… and who can blame her really?

And fuck Rosie O’Donnel. Fuck her. She’s a fucking idiotic piece of shit looking for attention, picking fights with whoever happens to pop onto her TV the night before. I’m so sick of her bullshit. That whole Donald Trump feud was about the most obnoxious thing I’ve ever seen. I’m fine with people having opinions, but she’s just looking for attention. And it’s fucking working, which is the thing that really pisses me off. As much as I hate Donald Trump and think he’s a complete douche, who the fuck is Rosie O’Donnel to go on TV passing judgement on people? She says that Donald Trump is in no position to “forgive” that Miss USA chick for being a drunk slut when he himself is a sleezebag. You know what Rosie? He finances the competition. He’s in EXACTLY the right position to make that call. It’s his show. He’s the guy who makes that call. Fuck off if you don’t like it.

American Idol is just as mean as it always has been. Nothing has changed, except maybe that they’ve backed off a bit. It’s just that Americans are so hypocritical that they promote and consume the show, and make it the highest rated show on TV, and then go and get on a high horse and talk shit about it and act like they’re so much better than it. I thought we were moving past this coddling PC bullshit. I guess I was wrong. Fucking people.

BTW, Paul Abdul is NOT drunk. Watch the show. She’s clearly not drunk. She’s actually WAY fucking stoned. While Simon took a break for a cigarette, Paula and Randy went in the bathroom and smoked a massive phatty. If you watch the auditions with that in mind, it all becomes clearer. Randy seems mildly toasted and Paula is baked out of her mind. I think that this because Randy weighs a hundred and fifty pounds more than Paula and has probably smoked a hundred and fifty pounds more weed over the course of his life. Paula is a 98 pound little sprite who would probably get a contact buzz off of seeing people smoke pot on TV.

And I’d still fuck her to death.

BTW2, this dude DOES look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle with really big eyes.

He actually looks like this dude I used to know in school named Mike Popino (not sure on the spelling, but that was his name) who was really fucking weird and I think grew up to be Brian Peppers.

BTW3, this chick will haunt my dreams until the day I die, shaking her massive braless titties over my face. But not the way that girls in my dreams usually shake their titties over my face, but in the scary way that suffocates you and makes you vomit from the stench of unwashed under-the-boob sweat.

Ya know how Rosie got all pissy at Kelly Ripa for getting all freaked out when Clay put his hand over her mouth to get her to shut the fuck up for once? And then how Rosie went on TV and said it was “homophobic” of her?

I know that there’s a very likely that Clay Aiken is gay, but I think it’s much funnier to think about Clay sitting at home on his couch, drinking a beer with a big beard and a shirt that says “no fat chicks” while getting blown by two hot supermodels and seeing that and going “WHAT THE FUCK!?” and then throwing his beer through his TV.

Then he would go on Howard Stern and be like “That fucking dyke bitch! NOBODY CALLS CLAY “THE PUSSY HOUND” AIKEN GAY!!!”

That would be sweet. Not that I think Clay Aiken isn’t gay. I just think it was totally rude of Rosie to officially out him.
Speaking of offending people…

In other news:

Seinfeld – The Lost Episode

A very funny re-edit of Seinfeld episodes to make an episode about Michael Richards nigger tirade. From National Lampoon.

OH MY SWEET CRAP!!

Clay looks like Paul Reubens now.

Weird. He looks even more gay than he did before, but at least he looks less like Alfred E. Newman.

Note to self… do not google American Idol while the finale is on. I now know who won!! FUCK MY ASS!!

OH SHIT!!!  MEATLOAF GOT FAT AGAIN!!!!!! OMFG!!

I don’t know if that makes me sad or happy. It makes me sad because he was so proud of losing the weight and he kept it off for so long… but now… he looks like what you would have imagined fat young Meatloaf to look like twenty-five years later.

It’s kind of cool though… cause he came out with his scarf like he used to to wipe up his big fat Meatloaf face.

I’m totally choked that Meat and Katherine sang that lame song. I was superpsyched to hear them whip out some Paradise by the Dashboard Light. That would have been hot.

Oh, and I’d like to point the following fact out to the people who run American Idol:

 

You never… and I mean NEVER… follow up a badass David Lee Roth song with Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow… not only the gayest Fleetwood Mac song ever… but possibly the GAYEST SONG EVER.

 

Fuckers.

there’s this:

Ghost Rider teaser trailer

no. that’s not workin for me

A big part of it is that I’ve never really liked the Johnny Blaze Ghost Rider.

And he looks like a cartoon.

No. My hopes are not very high on this one

And this:

Fred representing for PBS

Yet another example as to why Fred Rogers is one of my heroes.

via filthymonkey

And this: re: I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!

Clip from X3

People who’ve seen the press screenings confirm that he does, in fact, say the whole line.

Nice.

Another thing:

My pick to win this season of American Idol is Taylor Hicks. Not because I think he’s the better singer (I don’t) but because I think the contract and restrictions of being the American Idol is better suited for Taylor. I think he’d be just as happy whether he was on the show or singing in his bathroom. He rarely seems to even know where he is, much less the details of his potential contract. I think as long as he can sing and make at least marginal living, he’ll be fine for quite a while.

Where as Katherine… I think she’s in a pretty fragile place. Sure, Kelly Clarkson has done well, as has Clay (god only knows why) but where’s Ruben? Where’s Fantasia? Where’s that one blonde chick? I think that Katherine is going to do much better without the confines of an American Idol contract. I’m sure Clive Davis is going to swoop down and scoop her up and make her way more famous than Taylor ever will be, and rightfully so.

Another thing regarding American Idol:

People keep comparing Taylor to Joe Cocker. This is a fair comparison (though he doesn’t have NEARLY the intensity of Joe) but I think the more appropriate comparison is this:

=

Oh, and this:

Sandra doesn’t like it when I make up new words for songs people sing on American Idol

For instance:

There’s hair over my vulva
A bush down there
When there’s hair over my vulva
I don’t ever buy Nair
If other girls shave their hair pies
Then why, oh why, don’t I?
and when I was making some iced tea, Taylor was singing Levon by Elton John

And I shall put some Tea on
Yes I shall make some iced tea
Oh I shall get my Tea on
With some ice and some Sweet N’ Low

I shall get my tea on…

And the last thing I’m going to say about American Idol is this:

Of the two finalists, Taylor and Katherine, the one who’s butt I’d most like to bury my face in is….

drum roll please..

KATHERINE! YAY!

Oh…. HELL yeah.

and here she is karateing Taylor, cause he deserves it:

In other, unrelated news:

I will have this new Beamer. Seriously. Oh jesus.

It’s only a concept car, but if the actual car looks like this thing, it will beat out my dream car, the Plymouth Prowler, as the king of “cars that look like the Batmobile”

In fact… FUCK the Plymouth Prowler. That shit’s for old people.

I break with thee
I break with thee
I break with thee

and now I throw dog poop on your shoes.

In other related news:

Sandra and I saw a yellow Ferrari Testarossa cruising up the highway last week.

I pissed my pants and then proclaimed that as soon as I get my big paycheck (cause I know, one day, I’ll get a big paycheck) I’m going to buy me a Ferrari Testarossa. It is my dream car.

I talked for a good ten minutes about how badass Ferrari Testarossa are. It didn’t even bother me that the one we saw was yellow (by definition, a Testarossa should be red)

That was on the way to the movies.

On the way home from the movies, we drove past the Ford dealership. In the showroom window is a white 06 Ford GT

I screamed like a woman and then announced that when I get a big paycheck, I’m going to buy the 2006 Ford GT because it’s my dream car.

Sandra say “I thought that yellow Ferrari Testarossa was your dream car!” and then I say “pfft. Fuck the Ferrari Testarossa. I could never fit in that gay car anyway”

and that was the end of that.

And the end of this post

the end.