Fuck medication and self help books. All you need to cure depression is the following video

R.E.M. on Sesame Street performing Furry Happy Monsters.

and as an added bonus:

Richard Pryor on Sesame Street.

via ifun.ru

Imagine how my life would have turned out differently if I could have had a room like this? And a SWEET FUCKING COSTUME like this!?

I’m half tempted to go around dressed like that now. The fuck you gonna do about it?!

(more…)

Okay, so I’m part of the way through reading susurrant_voice’s essay about cannibalism in fairy tales. I generally don’t spend this much time actually READING online, but being that I’m always interested in the darker side of children’s stories (hence my fucked up Alice in Wonderland screenplay that the agent I’m talking to just asked to read and I’m freaking out because I’ve only done one draft and haven’t proof read it for grammar errors or like, shittiness) and the fucked up things that people tell kids via fairy tales, I’m working through it. I just finished the part about Little Red Riding Hood.

The version I’m most familiar with is the Grimm version where the girl is taking cake and wine to her grandmother, meets the wolf, the wolf boogies over to the grandmother’s house, eats the grandmother, Riding Hood shows up goes through the whole "what big eyes you have" bit, the wolf eats her, then some woodcutter dude shows up, cuts the wolf open and out spill Riding Hood and her grandmother, and they kill the wolf by stuffing him full of rocks.

But not the original version. There was a "spoken" version that came before it (as well as another written version) that was even MORE fucked up than the "sanitized" version that the Grimms presented.

Here’s how I would tell this version to my kids:

Get in bed and get ready for sleep. I’m gonna tell you a story.

K.

Once upon a time there was this kid. The kid’s mom told her to take some shit to her grandmother on the other side of the forrest.

What kind of shit?

Shut up. I’m telling the story.

K.

So the little girl starts walking through the forest and meets up with this werewolf.

Oh shit!

No kidding!

Did he eat her?

Shut up.

K.

So the werewolf says "are you going to go the way of pins or the way of needles?" and the girl is all like-

WTF?

What?

The way of pins or the way of needles?! What the fuck does that mean?!

I don’t know. Just go with it.

K.

So the girl is all like "i’m gonna go the way of needles" so the wolf goes the way of pins, which is faster, and gets to the grandmother’s house before the girl, because the girl was busy collecting needles.

Were they hypodermic needles?

Sure.

K.

Can I tell the rest of the story now or are you gonna keep talking?

I guess. It isn’t very good so far.

Fine then, you get nothing. No night-light either. Your mommy doesn’t love you you know. I don’t either.

OMG okay tell the rest of the story.

Sure?

Yeah, okay.

So anyway, the werewolf eats the grandmother and then puts some of her meat in a package and some of her blood in a bottle and puts them like, in the fridge or something.

Jesus!

Hey, it’s a werewolf. They’re bad dudes. So anyway, the little girls shows up and the werewolf is wearing the grandmother’s clothes. Remember when I made you watch that movie Silence of the Lambs and that one Buffalo Bill dude was putting on make up in front of the mirror with his junk tucked between his legs and he’s all like "Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me." and he’s listening to Joy Division or someshit?

Yeah. That movie gave me nightmares.

Yeah, it was like that. Except it was a werewolf and like, grandma clothes.

I don’t like this story.

Shut up, it builds character. It gets better.

K.

So yeah, the little girl shows up and she doesn’t notice that her grandma is this werewolf because he’s all tucked into the bed. Then the werewolf is all like "have some of that meat and wine in the fridge. It’s HELLA good." and the girl is like "Kthnx"

FUCK!

It gets better. So then after the girl eats her own grandmother, the werewolf is like "take off your clothes!" and the girl is all like "wtf?" and the wolf is like "seriously, take em off" and the girl is like "Okay, whatever, where should I put them?" and the werewolf is all like "throw em on the fire, you won’t need them anymore" and the girl is like "okay!" so she takes her clothes off and throws them on the fire and snuggles her naked self up next to the transvestite werewolf.

Uh…

So then she says "Jesus grandma, you’ve got big claws!" and the wolf is like "that’s so I can scratch my balls" and then the girl is like "Fuck! Grandma, you’re all hairy!" and the wolf is like "yeah. Yeah I am" and then the girl is like "And your nostrils are friggin HUGE!" and then the wolf is like "that’s like, so I can snort tobacco and shit" and then the girl is like "and you’ve got hella pointy teeth" and then the wolf is like "yeah, that’s so I can eat you."

This girl is stupid.

Wait, no she’s not. Check this shit out. So then the girl is like "Uh… I gotta take a shit" and then the werewolf is like "It’s totally cool if you want to shit in the bed" then the girl is like "No, really, I wanna go outside and shit on the ground" then the wolf is like "Alright, fine, DON’T shit in the bed. I don’t care." and then he tied a rope around her foot so he could make sure she didn’t run away.

That’s not gonna fucking work!

And it didn’t, little one! Because the girl was like "SYKE!" and tied the rope to a tree and booked back home. After a while the wolf went outside to find out why the girl was taking so long to shit and then saw that he had been tricked and was like "shit." The end.

Dad?

Yeah.

You’re fucking retarded.

I know son, I know.

THE END

This is the last thing I’m gonna say about it for now.

It’s just a statistic really.

Of western, English speaking countries, here are the percentages of circumcised infants.

Britain: less than .5%
Australia: 10%
Canada: 12%
United States: 60% total
84% in Georgia
85% in Texas
92% in Wisconsin
and 33% in California

It’s a barbaric form of child cruelty, and I can’t even begin to conceive how a parent could do that to their baby. I can’t wrap my mind around how someone can make that okay in their mind. I’m not saying that I look down on parents who’ve made that choice… I just don’t understand how they can… and I hope to at least make a little bit of headway towards the argument of not doing it in the future

That’s all I’m gonna say about it for now. I’ve said my bit and I’m done.

Now onto our regularly scheduled program of tits and movies

The story:

There’s a six year old boy who lives next door to me. I see him outside playing every now and then. His name is Daniel. We call him Danny.

Danny starts second grade next September. He’s very excited. He’s been doing very well in first grade and should excel in second grade as well.

His favorite video game is Mario Kart. He loves riding his scooter and tries to play street hockey with the older kids in the area. He’s not very good, but man, does he ever try his hardest.

Now, I’m good friends with Danny’s father, John. John and I go to the gym and play tennis fairly regularly. At least once a week.

Being the John is an extremely proud father, the topic of his only son comes up fairly often. One thing that John mentioned to me a few months back is that he’s always regretted not getting Danny circumcised. John himself is cut, and he worries that Danny will feel “different” from the other boys in his school.

Being the good friend that I am, I took it upon myself to help both John and Danny with this problem.

Yesterday I woke up around the same time that Danny would be walking to school. I know that the school is only a few blocks from his house, but I was able to catch up to him before he got there.

He knows me fairly well. I do live next door after all, and I’m a good friend of his dad. So he didn’t think twice about getting in my car when I offered him a ride.

Rather than taking him to school though, I took him back to my house. I told him that I needed to get something before I went into town. I asked if he wanted to come inside and have a Popsicle. He agreed and followed me in.

Once we were inside, I very quickly wrapped a tea town around his mouth and hoisted him up onto the table. He’s a little guy, but he sure can put up a fight!

I’d already prepared the table with electrical chords and nylon rope. I tied his feet and hands to the legs of the table and cut his jeans off with a pair of sewing siccors.  

He kicked a lot, but I did a good job with the knots and he wasn’t going anywhere.

From there, I cut off his Pokemon undies and took out my instrument: My hunting knife. Don’t worry; it’s good and sharp.

I think took a pair of pliers and pulled his little foreskin up as far as it would go. He tried to scream but the tea towel was crammed into his mouth pretty tightly.

With the foreskin stretched as far as i could get it, I took my hunting knife and started to slice around the head of his pecker. Blood started to get all over my table. I didn’t know penises could bleed so much!

Once I’d managed to cut the foreskin all the way off, I rubbed some table salt onto the end of his penis to stop the bleeding.

Danny seemed to give up on the screaming and instead simply stared off into space, his eyes wide and his breath shallow.

As soon as I was sure the bleeding had stopped, I untied him and helped him to his feet. He stumbled a fair bit and looked like he might pass out.

As he left my house, I could hear his sobbing as he made his way next door.

I picked up the phone and called John. He had a surprise coming from his best friend!

Now… the question I have is this:

What should my crime be? I’m thinking “practicing medicine without a license”

 

I’ve decided that if Sandra and I were to have a baby girl, I’m going to get a specific cosmetic surgery performed.

Basically, what’s going to happen is that soon after out baby is born, (let’s call her Rebecca… Becca for short) we’re going to strap baby Becca to a specially designed table with straps for her little arms and legs

maybe something like this

We wouldn’t want her putting up a fight now, would we?

So once she’s good and strapped in, the doctor will take a clamp called “the bell” and tuck it into her little baby labia, pushing her vaginal lips and tiny little clitoris to the forefront.

The instrument looks something like this

Then, with that instrument under the inner vaginal lips and clitoris of little baby Becca, the doctor would then take a scalpel and begin the process of slicing off those parts of my daughter’s vagina that really, quite honestly, she doesn’t need.

Because vaginas with inner vaginal lips are harder to keep clean. They’re also not as cute. I wouldn’t want my daughter to be made fun of by her friends. Since so many of my daughter’s friends are going to be checking out her vagina after all.

Also, the church doesn’t think that my daughter should be tempted to explore herself, and they recommend removing the clitoris entirely. After all, sex isn’t meant to be pleasurable. Especially not for women.

Oh, and while we’re at it, we should probably take a pair of scissors and snip off Becca’s little earlobes. They don’t really serve a purpose. It’s just a little bit of extra skin.

So once my daughter’s vaginal lips, clitoris and earlobes are nicely cut off, we’re going to rub some styptic on it, you know, to make sure it stops bleeding. Since, you know, the genitals are not only loaded up with insane amounts of nerve endings (they are genitals after all) but also with loads of blood.

So once the styptic is on, we’ll need to keep her strapped in the table for a bit because she’s stopped screaming in agony and she’s now mysteriously calm and quiet, breathing shallow, quick little breaths. That’s alright, she’s just in anaphylactic shock.

I suppose it may seem a bit extreme to cut off hunks of my newborn daughter’s genitals, but chances are at some point in her life she’s going to have her body mutilated by SOMEONE, may as well get it over with during the first few minutes of her life. You know, show her that the world is a mean place and she better toughen up or she’ll never make it.

Some people have told me that this is a barbaric, cruel thing to do to a newborn infant. But I have my reasons, and I think they’re great ones.

#1. First and foremost, other girls have had this done to them when they were born. I wouldn’t want my daughter to feel like she doesn’t belong to this select group of women who’ve had their vaginas carved up. Also, I wouldn’t want other parents to think less of me.

#2. This one dude told me once that girls who have clitorises and vaginal lips are more prone to urinary tract infections. There’s no medical evidence to prove this, but, you know, better safe than sorry.

#3. And, most important, I read in a book somewhere that God told a caveman that in order for his daughter to be closer to Him, he should mutilate her vagina. I mean, come on, it came from a book written by a cave man! What more do you need?

I don’t think I need to explain my point in all of this.